My twins, Hunter & Penelope
I'm softer now...and not just around my middle.
Time is even more precious and there is less of it.
Before kids I could do the things I liked to do until 2am -- hell, 4am or later if I wanted to. But now the days end around 8 when we wind things down for the babies, giving me just an hour with them when I get home from work.
It's not enough. I long for the weekend.
I think about my mom and see things much differently now.
I look at families that are emotionally distant and I cannot imagine how that could happen. Mothers estranged. Daughters and sons who were created and nurtured by mom no longer there for each other. How does that bond break?
How can I never let that happen?
I know how, but life gets in the way if people let it.
I won't let it.
I look at my twins and my heart bursts at the seams. Their little hands hold my finger and it makes my day. They have become my everything.
My maternity leave has just ended and I am back to work, filled with the guilt working mothers have that I've only heard about before. My anxiety is heightened right before I leave them in the morning. My heart beats heavy for them all day.
I worry they will love the nanny more than me, but my friend Christie tells me there is no way -- they know who mommy is just by my scent.
But it's still hard.
Harder than I ever imagined.
The type of love I feel as a mother is so profound, so magical.
I see everything differently now. Everything.
And even though I didn't think it was possible, I am loving my mother more.
If only love paid the bills we could all be with our kids more. Our families more. We could create more moments and not wait for a time that may never come.
As a new mom, everything is more intense and people say it will get easier. But I don't want it to...I don't want to miss them less.
Now that I'm a mom I feel more beautiful than I ever thought possible -- I feel a sense of peace within myself -- and I want to remember this feeling and never let it slip away.