Mom's Hysterical Tips for Expectant Parents Are So Real It Hurts

happy baby
Laura Mazza/Facebook

When you're pregnant for the first time, you want all the advice you can get on how to master this thing called parenting. Tips like "sleep when the baby sleeps" and "cherish every moment" are sweet, but they don't really prepare you for the realities of caring for a tiny human 24/7.

  • Thankfully, one mom blogger has put the truth out there.

    Laura Mazza of Mum on the Run is a mom of two known for her brutally honest and laugh-until-coffee-comes-out-of-your-nose reflections on parenthood. She's written down her 21 best tips for preparing for baby, based on her own experience. You better sit down, moms-to-be, because there's zero sugarcoating here. 

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  • "Set an alarm for every two hours," she jokes. "The alarm has to be loud enough for a neighbor to hear and it has to be high pitched and repetitive."

    Mazza's son is a toddler now, but as any parent who's been through it can tell you, those first few sleepless months stick with you. Her tips for being prepared? Start messing with your sleep cycle now, so you're used to it by delivery day.

    She gives a glimpse into what a typical night with a newborn looks like. "Let the alarm go off for one hour and run around your house hysterical. If at night, make sure to fall asleep 10 minutes before the alarm goes off again."

  • "Shower once after 8 days and turn off and on the water," she writes. "Get out once you have put shampoo in your hair."

    Shaving your legs? Painting your nails? You have a newborn now; this is survival mode.

    And whether it's to save time or just because you're so exhausted that you don't remember anymore, Mazza offers this helpful hint: "Stop brushing your teeth."

  • But what about my needs?

    You know having a baby is going to involve lots of feedings and diapers and those tiny little onesie snaps, but Mazza really breaks down how hard it can be to take care of yourself at the same time. 

    "Go to bed at 8, but stay awake until 1am, if anyone asks tell them you're trying to have some me time."

    "Eat food one handed."

    "Make sure it's cold."

    "Make 20 cups of coffee. Don't drink any of them."

    "Cry. A lot."

    And when all else fails and you just want to feel better, "Eat cake, nothing but cake."

  • Lastly, she warns, your partner may go from being your best friend to your biggest enemy.

    And all those daydreams about you and your partner working as a team to tend to the baby in the middle of the night? Unless you married Prince Charming, you might as throw that fantasy out the window. 

    "Watch your partner sleep and imagine shoving a stick into his snoring mouth," Mazza writes. "Hate him. Tell him he's an asshole who doesn't get it and ignore him. The more you ignore or yell the better it'll be for him when the baby comes -- if he looks confused ... you are ready."

    But really, cherish every moment.

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