10 Things I Really Wanted to Say in Response to "You're Not Breastfeeding?!"

mom bottle versus breastfeeding If you're a mother who bottle-fed your babies, the news that it's World Breastfeeding Awareness Month may bring up some pretty unsettling feelings. As a mom who didn't breastfeed, I always felt -- and sometimes still do -- that when I make that admission I somehow need to exonerate myself. 

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For example, when you tell people -- especially other moms -- you're not breastfeeding, very often they stare back in a mix of horror and disbelief, waiting for you to either weep about your guilt or explain the grievous medical condition that precludes you from giving your precious infant the most nutritious cocktail on the planet.

Well, personally, I never offered anyone an explanation, because, really, it's none of their business, just as how they choose to feed their babies is not my concern. 

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But! If I'd had the guts, I'd have offered outlandish excuses to all those who reeled back in shock as they watched me shake up a bottle of formula and temperature-test a few milky sprinkles on my wrist. The following are my top 10 favorite:

  1. I tried, but all I could produce was Tennessee Whiskey. 
  2. My nipples were gnawed off by an aggressive dolphin while honeymooning in the Maldives.  
  3. If someone wants me to whip out my boobs in public, it better be a hot guy who plans to buy me dinner, not some dude who keeps me up all night with his cryin'.  
  4. I know this is going to sound crazy, but my infant told me he actually prefers the taste of formula.  
  5. I had to get right back to my beer-and-burrito diet and that just doesn’t seem best for baby.
  6. I heard breastfeeding helps you lose the baby weight faster and I just want to savor this lumpy-bumpy look as long as I can. 
  7. Baby daddy is really taking that whole Lean In business to heart so he’s attempting to do it. Lucky me, right? 
  8. I won a year’s supply of formula on a game show and I’d hate to see it go to waste.
  9. My cow goes, like, completely insane if I don’t give the baby her milk.
  10. I once removed my shirt in front of my father-in-law and the man went temporarily blind with ecstasy. 'Nuff said.

Just as I don't ask women to justify why they're still nursing someone who could capably gnaw through a porterhouse, I don't feel moms who choose formula should have to supply an explanation. Who's with me?

 

Image via MJTH/shutterstock

 

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