Mom, I’m going to start by saying your choice of breakfast, lunch, and dinner is driving me to do things I’d rather not: like wonder whether I’ve been adopted before I’ve even been born. Really, what was that excuse for food you sent down my tube thing the other day? Because it tasted like hummus mixed with eggs and raisins -- but that can’t be, right? I don’t know much about life on your planet yet, but surely that isn’t food meant for human consumption?

And then there is this habit you have of only walking around during certain times of the day. What am I supposed to do when the sun goes down? It gets boring in here! I may as well lay it all on the line for you while I’m still here in your cocoon. I have a few more gripes and it’s about time someone (cough, cough) starts paying attention to them.

1. The reason I kick you in the ribs isn't because I'm a little "gymnast" (that's right, I heard you say that to dad). In real life, I'll never be able to somersault through the air. It's because your torso is way too short. How am I supposed to stretch in here? Have you thought about getting that checked out?

2. My big sister keeps telling me to come out and play. Have you explained to her that my only toy is going to be your boob for a while?

3. Speaking of my sister, why do I keep hearing you tell her to "take Sammy Spider out of my bassinet"? I can't promise I'll be cool and collected when she tries to fill my sleeping space with stuffed animals.

4. Grandma is wrong about spices. Curry makes me move because curry makes me happy. More curry, please!

5. I heard you sing a One Direction song when you thought no one was around. I bet you forgot I'm always around. Anyway, I liked it. And it will be the one thing that lulls me to sleep in a few weeks, even though it will make daddy laugh at you.

6. I like when the house is quiet at night. That's my time to talk to you because I know you'll listen. And that's why I'm kicking and keeping you awake. Makes perfect sense now, doesn't it?

7. I couldn't believe what happened to Walter White, either.

What do you think I'm thinking about as I wait to be born?


Image via Vanessa p./Flickr

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