Congratulations, new dad!
Are you excited to finally have the woman you married back, now that she's no longer consumed with carrying your offspring? Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but that woman is gone. Forever.
Since you might have some trouble navigating these uncharted waters, here are some tips for surviving this new stranger called the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with ...
1. Never ask why she's so tired or what she did all day with the baby. Just don't.
2. Do ask if you can feed the baby or rock the baby or do anything at all with the baby.
3. Better yet, the things you can do -- like change diapers, make a bottle, give a bath, etc. ... just do them.
4. Compliment her. Don't tell her she's glowing if she looks like death, but find something. "You're a natural at this" or "You're a great mom." She's second guessing everything and needs all the positive reinforcement she can get.
5. Never talk about another new mom. Bob at the office's wife looked like a rock star after she gave birth? She doesn't care. Anna in accounting is sleeping eight hours a night? Bitch. Your sister potty trained her newborn? Just go change a diaper and keep your mouth shut.
6. Don't ever mention the baby weight. Anxious for her to look like her old self? Yeah, so is she.
7. Hug your wife. Like, really hug her; the kind of hug that everyone needs at the end of a long day. But ...
8. Don't grope her. She's been groped all day long and that's the last thing she needs.
9. Don't pressure her for sex. The six-week rule is just a guideline and she may need longer than that to heal or feel ready. Give her the time she needs. And once you do ...
10. Never, EVER comment on her vagina. If it feels different than before -- "and not bad, just different" -- she does not need to know. That is, if you ever want to feel that feeling again.
What else do new fathers NEED to know? Add to the list!
Image via Scary Mommy