Breastfeeding Your Newborn Baby in 8 Excruciating Stages

LOL 17

breastfeeding statueOne of the great surprises of parenting was that breastfeeding does not, in fact, "come naturally." There are many aspects of breastfeeding that do. Your breasts do generally become engorged with milk soon after you give birth. Your baby is born with an instinct for sucking. But getting all the parts to work together effectively? Hah. That takes a little practice and a lot of bugging the nurses and your friends to help you figure out that latch one more time. Sure, there's some uber-nursers who figured it out right away. But for a lot of us, this breastfeeding gig happens in stages.

Stage 1: Deluded confidence. So you think practicing with a doll in a breastfeeding workshop is going to prepare you for breastfeeding? Sure, go ahead. Think that.

i got this

Stage 2: You try it for the first time and OFMG HURTS!


Stage 3: Total despair. They say it's not supposed to hurt that much. So should it hurt enough to make you yell or just whimper a little? Because that's the continuum you're on right now. Can you really handle this?


Stage 4: Water. By the way, the pediatrician tells you to drink a gallon of water every day or you'll shit the most painful poo diamonds of your life. Or rather, you'll not shit them. This is because all the water in your body is going into making milk. Listen to the doctor.

drinking water

Stage 5: Realizing you need help. Every. Single. Time. When you ask one of the nurses if she would mind coming home with you and the baby, she gives you the side-eye. Why?!? Doesn't she know? This is HARD.

side eyes

Stage 6: You get your baby to latch the right way by yourself for the very first time. Finally.


Stage 7: Three hours later: You forget how you did that.


Stage 8. You get that latch right three times in a row. You finally know what you're doing, and you are Lady Bountiful. YES! Breastfeeding? It's handled.

it's handled

Did it take you a while to figure out breastfeeding, or did it come naturally to you?


Image via Beatrice Murch/Flickr



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Baile... Bailey8307

I love this! The first one had me laughing out loud. Too funny :)

Einyn Einyn



Lol I never got past stage 3!!

Angelique Toadvine

I read this as I sit here nursing my 3 month old. It is very funny and pretty accurate. This is my second boy. I nursed my first for 2+ years so I figured I had this down pat. Welcome #2. I cried, I doubted myself and I had trouble latching in those first few days. I cracked, I bleed and my toes curled in pain for the next 2 weeks. I had an in home visit with an LC to make sure I was doing it right. Luckily we got past it and I can now say "It's handled". Good luck mamas.

mom2a... mom2asmarttot

I didn't have anyone to show me how to nurse. I just kept at it until we got the hang of it. It was much easier the second time around, but it still hurt.

gabe05 gabe05

I grimaced through nursing number 1 for the first three weeks and considered Lanolin my very best friend.  I weaned him four months before number 2 showed up.  Number 2 was SOOO easy!  My milk came in before I left the hospital and she latched so easily.  I was shocked with the simplicity second time around.

princ... princessmama14

I never made it past stage 1 to be completely honest. Every time I put my daughter to the breast she would just scream like I was poking the poor kid with a needle in the mouth. Even pumping didn't work because she did not like breast milk at all. When I gave her a bottle of pumped breast milk all she did was take a few sips then spit it out and scream some more. For the sake of her health and my own sanity she was bottle fed exclusively after 36 hours of her refusing to eat. 

nonmember avatar Lisa

My first was difficult because I had an infection and I didn't know how to latch him properly. We both suffered horribly for a month and then it was great. I didn't have any of these issues for the second. I was still nursing my first at the time and she just fit right into the schedule.

Darrah Johnston

My first daughter was tricky, but we figured it out pretty well around day 3. I remember quite clearly when I got her latched on by myself for the first time. Tears of joy. She self weaned at 9 months, much to my disappointment. 2nd daughter was a little lunch monkey who went right on before her cord was even cut, she had such a strong suckle that my nipple were bruised the first few days. She nursed until she was 1. 3rd daughter was really difficult, I had to use a nipple shield for the first month, we just couldn't get the hang of it at first, her tongue kept getting in the way. She breast fed the longest at 14 months.

femal... femaleMIKE

It was hard. 

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