I've lost some weight recently, thanks in part to a gym class that involves flipping giant tractor tires as if we're all deranged Real Farmwives. While I'm thrilled to see actual muscles tentatively emerging here and there from my flab-reserves, I'm dismayed at what is happening in my thorax region. Specifically: my breasts. The lower the number on the scale drops, so go my boobs. What I'm saying is I'm dealing with some pretty serious gravity/deflation issues, and soon I imagine I'll have to shovel each breast into its bra cup with a kitchen tool of some kind. Perhaps a spatula.
This is an aging thing -- I'll be 40 next February -- but I suspect it's also a body-ravaged-by-children thing. Bizarre things happen during pregnancy, and despite what all those celebrity "HOT BODY AFTER BABY!" articles would lead you to believe, some of us never completely recover.
To illustrate my point, I've put together 7 visuals to tell the tragic process of my OWN body after baby.
More from The Stir: Getting Your Pre-Baby Body Back Is Harder Than It Looks
Kate Middleton is living proof there are actual humans who can emerge from the hospital with a beatific smile, perfectly groomed appearance, and ADORABLE eetsy little belly. Not me, Jack. I was enormously swollen from head to toe, had entire sets of luggage under both eyes, and my mental state was ... um ... let's just say I wasn't exactly even-keeled during those early days.