It's 2 a.m., and you're awake. But it's not to party. You're holding your newborn baby, trying to get her to fall asleep -- before you fall down from exhaustion. Did I mention your baby is also crying? Because that makes this late-night struggle so much more fun. It's the epic battle: Parent vs. baby who is so tired they can't even fall asleep. And it's a miracle any of us ever survive. Here's what goes through a typical parent's mind while they're trying to get baby to go the f*** to sleep.
1. She's so tired, I know she's going to fall asleep any minute now.
2. I recognize this crying. It's that kind of crying she does right before she drops to sleep. Aaaaany second now.
3. Still not asleep.
4. I'm going to be so Zen about this. I'm not getting mad this time. I'm just going with the flow here. Baby needs my positive, sleepy-time energy, so that's what I'm giving her. Yup. Totally calm.
5. Still being calm.
6. Still being calm.
7. I think she's asleep! Awesome! Now I'll caaaarefully lay her down in her crib and --
8. Goddammitcocksuckersonofabitch! NO!
9. Okay, back to square one. I can do this. Calm again.
10. OMG, no I can't because white-hot stabs of fury are poking my brain! Ouch! Ouch! Why is this kid still awake?
11. Can the neighbors hear this crying? I hope they don't think I'm abusing the baby.
12. Aw screw the neighbors. Someone needs to suffer along with me.
13. Did I pay the cable bill? I can't remember. I was going to ...
14. It's okay for me to have a drink now, isn't it? No one would blame me. No one would see me, actually.
15. Heroin would be better, actually. For both of us.
16. Just kidding! Social services people who can read my thoughts! Haha! I am so tired.
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17. Jesus Christ, she won't even let me sit down for a moment! Not only will she not fall asleep, every time I take a break from pacing and bouncing, she cries again!
18. Why did I bother buying a rocking chair? What the hell is that thing for?
19. Maybe I should sing a lullaby. I bet that would help.
20. Who wrote this "Rockabye Baby" song? Those are some eff-ed up lyrics. Down will come baby, cradle and all?!? Hello, child abuse.
21. Oh, I get it. Someone who couldn't get their baby to fall asleep wrote this.
22. You know what? This is my life now. There will be no sleep again, ever. I'm doing this all night and into the morning. This is what I'm doing. I'm resigned to it.
23. I am throwing this baby out the window. Right now. This is a thing I am going to do.
24. They broke me. They finally broke me.
25. In space no one can see you cry.
26. Shit, we're out of tissues.
27. See? I suck. I don't know what I'm doing. I can't even manage this -- how will I handle everything else? I'm a total failure. I should give up now. I should hand this baby over to my sleeping spouse and just walk out right now. I'm doing more harm than good here with my negative energy anyway. It's over. I quit! I --
28. OMG, she's asleep! She's asleep! I did it! With my negative energy! I am the evil genius villain of parenting. I feel like celebrating. With sleep.
What thoughts go through your mind when you're trying to get your baby to fall asleep already?
Image via Jason Bache/Flickr