Today's Weirdest Baby Names Can't Compare to These Utterly Freaky Olde-Tyme Choices

Say What!? 28

Baby names are never going to stop being a hot topic. Baby names inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey (have fun explaining your inspiration to Junior 10 years from now)! The wacky names celebrities give their children! Controversial baby names that have actually been legally banned (sorry, Malaysia -- strike "Smelly Head" from your list)!

We tend to think of unusual baby names as being a recent trend, but today's strangest choices have NOTHING on some of the names given to children during the late 16th century in England. Imagine an elementary school roll call that includes “Sorry-for-sin” and “Job-rakt-out-of-the-asshes," (Job-rakt-out-of-the-asshes ... Job-rakt-out-of-the-asshes ... Job-rakt-out-of-the-asshes?) and you'll get an idea of how normal our current monikers are in comparison.

Take a look at these 18 utterly bizarre names that were once a popular choice by Puritan communities in Southern Britain:

1. Dancell-Dallphebo-Mark-Anthony-Gallery-Cesar. Son of Dancell-Dallphebo-Mark-Anthony-Gallery-Cesar, born 1676.

2. Praise-God. Full name: Praise-God Barebone.

3. If-Christ-had-not-died-for-thee-thou-hadst-been-damned. This mouthful was Praise-God's son. Apparently he eventually changed his name to Nicolas Barbon, I can't IMAGINE why.

4. Fear-God.

6. Has-descendents. This kid's parents were thinking ahead.

7. Wrestling. Wrestling with a good name choice, maybe? Clearly not.

8. Fight-the-good-fight-of-faith.

9. Fly-fornication. Worst rapper name EVER.

10. Jesus-Christ-came-into-the-world-to-save. Brother of If-Christ-had-not-died-for-thee-thou-hadst-been-damned.

11. Thanks. ... for NOTHING, Mom and Dad.

12. What-God-will.

13. Remember. Has there been a modern baby named NEVER FORGET yet? I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

14. Experience. This sounds like something someone would legally rename themselves after a weekend at Burning Man.

15. Abuse-not. I assume this was eventually tattooed on their genitals.

16. Die-Well. A brother of Farewell. Another forward-thinking family.

17. Kill-sin. Full name? KILL-SIN PIMPLE. (Soon to be starring in a Quentin Tarantino movie.)

18. Joy-in-sorrow. Apparently it wasn't uncommon to name children this after a difficult birth. My sons Eternal-C-section-Pudgeflap and Pees-During-Jumping-Jacks can totally relate.

Well, I don't know about you, but little "@", Shimon, Zorg, and Vinique aren't sounding bad at all.

Had you heard of any of these old-fashioned Puritan names before?

Image via protoflux/Flickr

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nonmember avatar Christina

Number 9?!?!?!?

Heather Capra

I was rolling. Are these for real? 

nonmember avatar Holly


nonmember avatar Melissa

Man, you should have prefaced this with "If you still have a weak post-pregnancy bladder pee before reading"...these are AWESOME!

HomeS... HomeSweetHome77

wow this is quite interesting actually. as a wife of an egyptian man, i have noticed that these type of names are still used in other countries, but of course we wouldnt know because we dont speak the same language, or know their names meanings. For example, when you hear of a middle eastern child/man named "abdel rahmen", as westerners, we just hear the name and go "oh god, how do we pronounce that", meanwhile if you translate that particular name it means " Servant of the All-Merciful". All Merciful meaning God..  in Islam, Merciful is one of Gods 99 names.. They are basically some of the best words in language used to describe God. another example of a popular name used in the middle east is "Servant of the All-Powerful." which translates to "Abdel Aziz"..  again, ALL POWERFUL meaning one of Gods 99 names, and the word Abdel actually means "servant of". you also cannot name one of your children one of Gods 99 names without using the word "ABDEL" in front of it... just thought i would share.. :)

nonmember avatar Alison

Post C Section Pudgeflap. That MAY be the funniest thing Ive ever heard!!

nonmember avatar Michelle

My husband and I have three daughters, with somewhat old fashioned names. Some of the names I see just leave me confused. Like Jaykob, and I can't remember what else. Don't forget, folks, he's going to be spending the rest if his life correcting EVERYONE Wwho misspells his name. Smh.

just1... just1morein14

Oh wow! I actually kinda hope that most if not all of these were the meaning of the names given and not the actual names. If I had to give my daughter a name like #18 her name would be eternal-garlic-addiction

nonmember avatar KA

I've heard that names such as the ones above were because people used the Bible to name their kids. They would close their eyes & just point at a word. Whatever word their finger was on would be the name of the I think that kind of sums up those names up. IDK why you would select a WHOLE sentence though!!

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