10 Things New Moms REALLY Need to Know About Caring for a Baby

Being a Mom 23

Remember that feeling of first leaving the hospital with your new baby? No, not the excitement over bringing a new life into the world or the relief over no longer being pregnant; I’m talking the “holy shit, where is my baby manual, are they really letting me go home with this thing?” epiphany we all suffer.

Unfortunately, there is no parenting book that tells you the things you really need to know those early days, but if there were, it would contain the following ...

More from The Stir: 10 Paranoid Fears of a New Mom

1. How to swaddle a baby who really doesn’t want to be swaddled.

2. How to decipher the hungry cry from the wet cry from the gas cry from the sleepy cry from the just plain pissed off cry.

3. Foolproof ways to avoid getting peed on while changing your son's diaper.

4. How to successfully transition a sleeping baby from the car into the house, so he/she doesn't wake up and decide the 10-minute doze counted as a 2-hour nap.

5. How to cut paper thin baby fingernails without suffering an anxiety attack.

6. How to transform well-meaning offers of useless help into help that will actually make your life easier.

7. How to keep a pacifier in a rear-facing crying baby’s mouth while driving 60 MPH on the highway.

8. How to identify the "spit-up face" three seconds before spit-up occurs.

9. How to appear somewhat presentable on two hours of sleep.

10. Ways to kindly say "mind your own fucking business" to well-meaning strangers offering unsolicited advice.


Image via Scary Mommy

baby first year


To add a comment, please log in with

Use Your CafeMom Profile

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Comment As a Guest

Guest comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.

Stephen Fair

This should include new dads as well, believe you me!

radia... radiantreality

I think "mind your own fucking business" suffices just fine!! Lol.

Megan Grant

I hope there will be a follow-up post answering these questions within the next 7 weeks when my first little one is due ;)

nonmember avatar Keely

Cheers to all that, plus: how to breastfeed (if that's your plan) because it doesn't always just happen (as they would have you believe.)

nonmember avatar Amanda

On the last one, cant we just not nicley say mind their own f'ng business. I mean first child or fifth, your going to look dog shit tired, we can drop the F bomb cant we? If someone had actually ever shared these tips with me 2 and a half years ago I would of been a lot better off.

Ginger Sadler

if you baby doesn't want/like being swaddle, um just don't do it and have a happy baby lol

Laine... Lainey0468

Wow, this is great.....I wish I had known the answers 22 years ago!  It was scary but I got thru it

blowing kisses

Todd Vrancic

I'm pretty sure a pointed "Why do you want to know?" works to let people know they are intruding.

nonmember avatar Roberta Lewis

Yeah, the swaddling thing? Not so much. We never swaddled, and our son was calm and fine. Don't waste your time swaddling.

eevers55 eevers55

My daughter hated swadling. Then we found out she just wanted to kick her legs but keep her arms close. Sleep sacks or swadle sacks helped WONDERFULLY. They swadled her arms and left room for her to kick to her little heart's content.

1-10 of 23 comments 123 Last