5 Things Moms Should Never Say Out Loud (Or the Karma Gods Will Get You)

LOL 24

I've never been a superstitious person. I don't throw salt, knock wood, or obsessively stroke the soft severed appendages of woodland animals. (Seriously, that last one. Are rabbit's feet still a thing? Thinking back, that was a pretty gross trend. Why were they on keychains?) But ever since I became a mom, I do believe in the cosmic principle according to which each parent is rewarded or punished in one instance according to that parent's statements in the previous instance.

In other words, I believe there are certain things you should never, ever, EVER say ... unless you want the Parenting Karma Gods to strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger. For instance, these 5 payback-triggering statements:

"I think he's finally sleeping through the night!" Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh girl. That's great that you had seven consecutive hours of blissful restorative sleep last night, but you just doomed yourself to a months-long every-two-hour wakeup routine that will CRUSH YOUR WILL TO LIVE.

"She always takes a two-hour nap at 11 a.m., so let's do the conference call then." Ring ring, hello? Hello, this is your Crying Non-Napping Baby Who's Teaching You the Shitty Lesson of Never Assuming Any Routine Is a Sure Thing, are we reaching?

"She's such a great eater! She loves everything, she's totally going to be my little foodie." Uh huh. And with that playdate-withering announcement, Little Miss Adventurous Eater will suddenly and inexplicably refuse every single food on earth with the exception of Saltines. Not the whole-wheat/low-sodium kind, either.

"I started giving my kids fish oil and no one's been sick in weeks." You didn't. You DIDN'T. You violated the Golden Rule: you verbally acknowledged your family's health streak. Well, there's nothing that can be done now. Go stock up on children's Motrin, Kleenex, and Pedialyte -- and get out the barf bucket.

"He's so smart for his age, I think he's going to be a breeze to potty train." Sniff-sniff. Do you smell that? It's hubris. Well, that and the giant load your son just dropped in his Spider-Man underwear.

Are there any parenting karma statements you'd add to the "never say it out loud" list?

Image via Scott Ableman/Flickr

picky eaters, potty training


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LostS... LostSoul88

I use to say my DD was the good child, lately she has been worse then her terror of a brother. 

Johanna Atwood Brown

We have a babysitter lined up for ___________ day. Let's go out to lunch/dinner/movie/show. And don't ever post it on Facebook, either. Bragging on FB is an automatic sick babysitter, flat tire, or sick kid.

mellynnf mellynnf

"None if my kids have broken a bone." Now two out of three in less than a month. We have dual appts at the orthopedist.

Bryony A. Hughes

Don't let your mom (baby's grandmother) talk about how good she thinks your child is going to be. Like how she is sure she will be easy and not cry often. Yeah...I kept telling my mom to stop saying things like that because she was going to curse me. Well, lately, my little girl wakes up a couple of times at night, but she stays awake any where between three and four hours each time and now during the day she gets super fussy and won't take naps. She will only sleep for ten maybe twenty minutes at a time. 

jec72579 jec72579

Karma kicked my A$$ with the "my daughter is my good child" too. She's 13 now, and it's getting really hard. Her hormones are SO out of control, she snaps if you look at her wrong sometimes! 

Also, the "My first was such a good baby! She slept thru the night, never cried, ate good, etc, etc, etc." Enter baby #2...... Didn't sleep thru until he was a year old, Was the pickiest eating baby I've ever seen, cried at everything, woke up at 5am, ugh!!! Things are getting better now with him! Lol! 

amazz... amazzonia

lol so true especially the first one! my second DD started sleeping through the night at 16 months, and the reason is because people kept asking me if she was! every now and then she would sleep through the night, but if some asked, the next night awake every 2 hours! so frustrating!

And I NEVER get a phone call, unless babies are sleeping, 30 min into nap (long enough to not put them back to sleep, but too short to get any actual rest), the phone rings, I finally started unhooking my phone

Courtney Hollinger

I bragged about my daughter being so easy to potty train the first month of doing it (age 2 yrs old) and now she is 3.5 yrs old and is having the worst time and will not poo on the potty!

nonmember avatar Mandi

I made the mistake of saying 'I can't wait until she can talk'...my husband couldn't get his hand over my mouth fast enough..too late..she NEVER shuts up lol

Amanda Marshall

I have found saying "my child would never bite, hit ,kick or be mean to another child." Is a bad plan.

diane... diane.bodeker

I can take my kids anywhere... they are always so well behaved..... then I become the statistics of mother's chasing a three year old down the aisle at Walmart while my nine year old is crying and screaming about life not being fair because I won't let her have candy and my 15 year old pouting in the car because I won't buy her an iphone

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