A Pregnant Know-It-All Learns Her Lesson About the Reality of Being a Mom

babyWe all say things when we're pregnant. Silly things. Things we actually believe to be true. Oh, I would never let my child play with a plastic toy; When my baby is sleeping, I'm going to be loud, so she gets used to sleeping through noise; TV for a child? You must be joking, right? But the difference between the things (most of) you said and the things I said are: Mine are in writing. On the Internet. For all to see.

So, instead of running from ridiculous things my non-child-having self said during my pregnancy, I've decided to own them. Here are eight quotes I actually said before my daughter was born -- and the reality. Go ahead. Laugh at me.

Excerpted from "A Letter From My Pregnant Self to the Mom I Hope to Be":

Don’t become a slob ... throw on a coat of mascara and swipe some lip gloss on once in a while, for God’s sake. You like clothes and makeup and all things frivolous. Don’t use the 'I’m a mom' excuse to look like crap. You feel like crap when you look like crap. I don’t have to tell you that.

Reality: HAHAHAHA! Yep, Nicole. That's you! Swiping on the lip gloss and mascara every morning, gettin' gussied for the day ahead. While you haven't let yourself go completely, you did run errands for two hours the other day with three of your daughter's bows in your hair.

Excerpted from "7 Things I Can't Wait to Do After Giving Birth":

I've never been, like, obsessed with sushi before, but ever since I got pregnant -- ever since it was forbidden from me -- it's all I've wanted. I've had a few veggie rolls here and there, but it's just not the same.

Reality: Okay, first off, apparently you were a valley girl during your pregnancy. Secondly, while it's great to be able to have sushi now, it's just not the same as when it was off-limits, Nic. Also, let's get real: When do you go out for sushi? You have a baby to take care of, for god's sake.

Excerpted from "A Letter From My Pregnant Self" ...

If your baby won’t stop crying, try to remain cool. (Babies cry.) You want your daughter to have such a calming demeanor, don’t you? How will she if you don’t lead by example? In order to teach patience, you have to be patient.

Reality: Somebody was a zen master while they were pregnant, weren't they? Oh, to have constant inner peace like that now! Look, Nicole, while you can remain calm while your daughter's crying now, in the beginning, it was insanity. Sheer insanity. She cried a lot, and you? You were not leading by example. Unless you consider crying along with her an example.

Excerpted from "A Letter From My Pregnant Self" ... (sorry, this one was filled with doozies):

Stay off the Internet when something seems wrong. You know the Internet only makes things worse.

Reality: You were right about the Internet only making things worse, but when you said "stay off", did you mean "go to the [Internet] first"?

Excerpted from "Vanessa Minnillo Doesn't Need Nick Lachey 'Down There' During Birth":

This is exactly what I want from my husband the day I give birth. I don't want him watching our daughter come into the light. I don't want him massaging me (unless I ask). And, honestly, I really don't want him cutting the cord.

Reality: You didn't give a f*ck who saw what while you were giving birth. A marching band could have walked through during delivery and you would have asked the drummer to lend a hand.

Excerpted from "3 Reasons Having a Girl Terrifies Me":

There are going to be certain things in life that are naturally going to fall on me because we're having a girl; just like the same would be true for my husband were we having a boy. What if I'm not good enough at these girly things?

Reality: I'm sorry, but what is going on here? You are a girl. How could you not be good at being one? (And seriously, could you imagine having anything other than a girl now?)

Excerpted from "A Letter From My Pregnant Self" ... 

Don’t forget about the dog. Partly because he’s such a sweet little boy. Partly to prove every obnoxious person who’s said, “You’ll forget about him once the baby comes” wrong.

Reality: While you haven't forgotten about your first "baby" completely, everyone was right. Womp-womp.

Excerpted from "7 Things I Can't Wait to Do" ...

Wine, champagne, anything.

Reality: No reality. Wine, champagne, anything. It really is the best. Especially when you have a kid.

What things did you say before you had a baby?

Image via Rookie Shooter/Flickr

baby first year


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nonmember avatar NoWay

Oh, how funny and how true. :)

Baile... Bailey8307

Great job, this is really funny and entertaining! It's really refreshing to see a mommy blogger call herself out and talk about motherhood in a realistic way. :)

Melis... Melissa1508

This is funny, Nicole!  I totally said the same things..."Oh, my child will NEVER watch TV.  She's going to read books and play educational games."  bahahahahahahaha!  That's funny.  Ah, we live and learn.  Great post!

linzemae linzemae

The dog one. I told myself they would still be my babies. Now I cant stand them! They always want outside when im nursing and i cant get up. They smell and lick all of my daughters stuff

cecil... cecillesmommy

I remember saying almost 4 years ago that I wasn't gonna give kiddo a pacifier or rock her at night. Yeah ok, fast forward to kiddo with a pink mam in her mouth and in my arms fast asleep. I miss those days

nonmember avatar NoWay

I just have to say ... the picture at the top of the article is so darned cute! :)

lovem... lovemy2sons25

Oh there were so many things I said I wasn't gonna do when I had a baby and I was WRONG!! Lol I wasn't gonna hold him a lot, I wasn't gonna let him sleep in bed with me, I wasn't gonna let him go to sleep with a bottle in his crib, I wasn't gonna spoil him at all, I wasn't gonna give in when he crys,ect... I did and still do all the above with both my boys (19 months and 7 months) except my 19 month doesn't get a bottle anymore at all and doesn't drink anything in his crib and hasn't for 5 months now and he doesn't sleep with me and hasn't since he learned to crawl and my 7 month old still sleeps with me sometimes but he's starting to crawl so he's fixin to not sleep with me anymore either. But you really don't know how your gonna feel or what your gonna do till your baby is born because it changes everything!! Its such a wonderful and amazing feeling! I love it!!

monke... monkeybelle83

It will be interesting to see how many of the things I said I'd do that I don't, and how many I said I wouldn't that I will.

For safety reasons some of them aren't negotiable, like bed sharing, but it will still be interesting.

(NOT bashing bedsharing, it just isn't a safe option in MY home)

Jennifer McElroy

haha so true.  and i gotta say, i was the biggest anti-tv for kids person, but now idk what i'd do if my son wasn't occasionally distracted by spongebob or bananas in pajamas.. would probably go insane!

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