crying babyHow is new mommyhood treating Shakira? The singer tells Us Weekly she's got a "great, great" baby. It's super, really. But just one little complaint. "Nobody told me it would be this hard. It takes a lot of energy from you." SIGH. Really. NOBODY told you it would be this hard? Because maybe it's just me, but before I became a mom, all I ever heard was put on your big-girl pants, because motherhood will kick your ass.

You know what? I just can't. I cannot with the new moms who are shocked, SHOCKED! To find out motherhood is some actual, you know, work. And so I give you: An open letter to new moms who didn't know motherhood would be "so hard."

NOTE: This is a parody of an email written by a sorority sister that went viral last week. We would never be this mean to you new moms, who just need a lot of support and encouragement. And we're actually really happy for Shakira and wish her the best.

Dear clueless new moms,

Put the baby to bed, sit down, and get ready for the metaphorical bitch-slap of your life.

For those of you living on another planet, which is apparently a lot of you, I have a newsflash: MOTHERHOOD IS REALLY F***ING HARD, and we've been telling you this for, like EVER. Where the HELL have you been? How many mother-f***ing blog posts do we have to write, bitching about everything from leaking, cracked nipples to colic that lasts six months, before you'll get a F***ING CLUE?

Are your eyeballs allergic to parenting articles? That's not a rhetorical question. I LITERALLY want you to leave a comment below if your eyeballs F***ING BLEED every time they glance upon a headline mentioning PARENTING. Do you seriously NOT KNOW a single other person who has EVER been an actual parent?

If you're reading this right now and thinking to yourself, "But oh em gee Adriana, I'm so in love with my baby! How can something so small and adorable be so much work?" please slap yourself upside the head so I don't have to reach through the computer and do it for you.

Your baby does not give a flying f*** how much sleep you lose, how sore your whole body is, how much you gag when you change diapers, how sad you are that you can't have nice things anymore. You have 18 years of active parenting ahead of you. More than that, if you go and get knocked up again or if adulthood doesn't "take."

WHO THE F*** TOLD YOU MOTHERHOOD WAS EASY? Who was that motherf***er. Tell me. Because I will f***ing drop-kick the next person I hear saying something like that. I will tattoo "Stop being a motherf***ing cockblock for parenting" on their forehead. They are HORRIBLE PR FOR PARENTHOOD and they need to cut that shit out.

In conclusion: ALWAYS! BE! CLEANING UP!

Were you surprised at how hard parenthood is, or did you see that one coming a mile away?

 

Image via bbaunach/Flickr