10 Things Dads Say About Their Newborns & What They REALLY Mean

LOL 38

fussy babyA couple good friends of mine recently had babies, and for the most part they're doing fine -- other than having those typical, "I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed and I can't stop crying" kind of moments that all new moms have.

And while they have no problem giving me the lowdown on how things are going with their new little ones as far as middle of the night feedings, diaper blowouts, and bouts of fussiness they can't seem to find a cause for -- their husbands paint a much rosier, way less realistic picture.

And this isn't the first time I've heard major bullshit come out of a new dad's mouth. It's like they really aren't sure what to say when asked about their newborn, so they give you the response they think you're expecting.

But I'm calling their bluff. Cuz I happen to speak their language.

Here are 10 things new dads say about life with their newborns, and what they REALLY mean.

"My baby is awesome. He's already sleeping through the night!"

"I'm sleeping through the night, which means the baby must be too."

"Changing diapers is such a breeze. I love it!"

"I have no freakin' clue how to change a diaper because I haven't done it yet."

"Our little angel NEVER cries."

"I pass out the couch as soon as I get home, so I don't hear a damn thing."

"Mary? Oh yeah, Mary's doing great. She's so amazing. Recovered from the birth like a champ."

"Mary hasn't spoken to me in a week, so I have no idea how she's doing."

"Nothing's really changed. We're adjusting just fine!"

"I'm at work all day, so my life still seems pretty normal."

"Mary's breastfeeding, and that's going great. But I do the burping part."

"Mary's breastfeeding, so I'm off the hook as far as feeding duty goes. Score."

"It's crazy, all the baby really does is sleep!"

"The baby is already down for his morning nap by the time I leave for work in the morning, and he takes his evening one when I get home. And then I spend the rest of the night in the spare bedroom down the hall so the baby doesn't wake me up. I do have to work every day, you know."

"My mother-in-law has been here helping out, and that's been such a blessing."

"Thank GOD for my mother-in-law. Without her, I'd never get fed."

"The baby? OMG. The baby is absolutely PERFECT. So easy. We're so lucky."

"I don't know what the hell just happened to my life, so I'm really not sure what else to say."

"You guys want to come over for drinks on Friday night and see the baby?"

"Please, for the love of God -- SAVE ME from getting another earful about everything I'm not doing right or not doing at all. I'm begging you."

Do you think dads tend to sugarcoat things as far as life with a new baby goes?


Image via Mary Fischer

baby sleep, fathers, newborns


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B1Bomber B1Bomber

I really hope I'm just hormonal and this is not as condescending as I'm reading it.

nonmember avatar Corinne

Passing this along to my husband. Very funny

Tanst... Tanstaafl2

Gee - snark much?

mande... manderspanders

Of Course Mary Fischer wrote this. 

@b1bomber: she's just generally a condescending bitch, so this isn't much of a surprise.

Men are not idiots; and they do take care of their babies.  I'd say most parents sugar coat how nice it is to have a baby in the house.  Some things ARE wonderful; others just suck.

Halfa... Halfadozmom

If this is what the writer's husband truly does, I feel really bad for her and wonder how happy they are together. What a lack of support, from both her and him.

nonmember avatar Eddie

Wow, condescending man hater much? I only hope you don't raise your own children with this much contempt for Dads.

who-c... who-cares

This was really offensive to most men...and women...and babies...

Todd Vrancic

I was the one who stayed home with the kids, so, except for our youngest, who my wife took to work with her to breastfeed him, as soon as she was off maternity leave, I changed the diapers, I got up in the night, I fed them, et cetera, et cetera.  We don't even go 8 hours without communication, and you didn't talk to your husband for a week?  I hope you were joking.

mommy... mommytojack0524

Um...if my husband was this clueless, first, he wouldn't be my husband , and second, I sure wouldn't make a baby with him.  This is insulting to real fathers who take the good with the bad and get their hands dirty.

nonmember avatar blh

This is really exaggerated I'm sure but I seriously have NEVER met a dad that did as much as the mom for the baby and around the house. Not a one.

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