5 Things Never to Say to Lesbian Moms

Rant 42

gay prideIt never ceases to amaze me that when people encounter moms, their sense of tact goes right out the window. I've been asked the strangest and most insensitive questions in the years since I got pregnant -- most of them having to do with my decision to have an only child. But the questions I get have nothing on those that my lesbian mom friends encounter on an all-too-frequent basis.

In fact, when I asked a few lesbian mom friends what it's like out there for them, the answers were astounding. People are just plain RUDE!

Not sure if you've accidentally offended a lesbian mom? Check out the list of things you really should NOT be saying to these ladies:

1. Which one of you is the real mom? Well, that depends what you call a "real" mom. Is it the mom who reads bedtime stories? The mom who changes diapers? The mom who bandages scraped knees and kisses away boo boos? Because that's both of the moms in a lesbian relationship.

2. Who's the sperm donor/father? Sometimes there's a present dad, sometimes there isn't. Either way, if he's someone a lesbian couple wants to talk about, you'll know it when they're ready. 

3. How did you get pregnant? Some moms are comfortable talking about the process, and some aren't. Either way, it's best to stay out of a woman's uterus.

4. Aren't you worried that your kids will be queer? As writer, lesbian, and mom of two Shannon Cate told The Stir, "We are often put on the defensive about whether our kids are more likely to be queer themselves if we raise them. Many answers to this abound, the two most popular being: 1) research shows that the answer is no, 2) most queers were raised by heterosexual parents so this isn't a likely thing. But I am bothered by the fact that we answer in these ways. The answer should be, 'What if our kids WERE queer? What's wrong with that?'"

5. Which one of you is the dad? Neither! Lesbian moms may go by different names (mom and mommy, mama and mom mom, etc.), but they're still moms.

See also:

8 Things Never to Say to a Mom of an Only Child

5 Things Never to Say to an Adoptive Parent

20 Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

5 Things Not to Say to Divorced Moms


Lesbian moms, got anything to add to our list? What drives you crazy?


Image via Guillaume Paumier/Flickr

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CAP1015 CAP1015

I agree many of the questions above are/can be rude, but it also shows  ignorance on the part of those asking the questions, which means they don't know the answers and/or may not know enough to understand that the question is rude.  I think the best situation for the gay moms is to plan to educate and/or be prepared for these type of questions, many of them seem to be natural curiosity from people that don't understand and seem to want to know..........or I could be wrong and they are just rude and screwing with the gay couple......

Gages... Gages_Mommy32

#4 I don't know why anyone would ask that...why would a gay person be worried their child will be gay? They obviously don't have a problem with same sex relationships! That's like asking a straight couple, what if your kids are straight??

Todd Vrancic

And here is the number one thing TO say to any parent:  "You must be so proud of your child, your child is adorable!"

Ranti... RantingSyko

Gages_Mommy:  Well can't you tell, gay parents are ruining their kids!!!  Said no sensible person ever>:\  People are ignorant and taught the wrong things by closed minded people.  Things do seem like theyr'e slowly changing, but slowly is the key word:\    I do agree with the top comment though, as obnoxious as it comes across to them, they should take these oppurtunities to try and educate.  Most people probably won't listen and won't learn a thing, but you'd be surprised how many times someone will stop and answer with "oh....really?"  instead of something nasty, it's ALWAYS worth the chance of being blown off, to educate someone who didn't know any better before.

6unde... 6under1roof

I was going to say the same thing Gages_Mommy32.. that question makes absolutely no sense.

Let's ask the white couple if they're afraid their kids will be.... *gasp* white!!! *facepalm*

laure... laurenemb

6under1 HAHA. that's an awesome comeback for any moms or dads who have to deal with the ignorant questions!

nonmember avatar Momo2

I agree about the ignorance/education question. The best way to educate is not to take offense and treat each comment/question as sincere--that way if it's meant to embarrass or offend, that intention just gets turned back on the offensive person.

bills... billsfan1104

I think some of the questions are ignorant and some of them are curiosity questions. I don't think some of them were meant to be offensive. If you lash out at people, who are asking a question, we will never move forward. I think asking about who is the real mom, is basically asking who delivered the baby, just asked wrong.

Caera Caera

All valid questions.

Only those who don't care to face the truth about the situation they've forced on these children don't want to hear it. Those are also the people who shouldn't have had children to begin with.

If you can't talk about the issues, don't involve yourself, or helpless children, in them.

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