Being a parent isn't the world's most glamorous job, but it certainly has its perks. In addition to, you know, having an adorable little being that you get to play with and coo over all day, being a mom or dad gives you a pass. A pass to do some seriously weird, kind of frowned upon things. Things you could never get away with before you had kids. Here are 8 things you can only do when you're a parent.
Smell another person's butt. I mean, technically, you could do this if you don't have kids. But it would be weird. And you'll probably get smacked -- especially if you do it in public to, like, some strange woman or something. Ooh, one childless group who's exempt: Dogs.
Use your spit to clean something off another person's face. Little known fact: Your saliva becomes a disinfectant once you have a child. Something about how the salivary glands react with the hormones -- not totally sure, but pretty cool, eh? (Note: Cleansing properties are only activated if you lick your thumb and rub like so.)
Do the dorky parent dance. Another physiological change that happens after you become a parent: Your dancing automatically becomes dorky. But don't feel bad -- it even happened to Gwyneth Paltrow. Researchers are still trying to understand the enigma that is Beyonce.
Say you're tired and have people actually believe you. One of the most annoying things when you're pregnant is when you say, "Gee, I'm tired," and someone responds with, "You think you're tired now? Just wait until you have kids!!!" Now you can finally say it and have it be reciprocated with a sympathetic look. Will it change the fact that you're exhausted? No. But sympathy is nice.
Make the schedule. Sorry, but babies trump any excuse. When you're making plans with other people, they kind of have to go with your timetable, because, you know, nap times and whatnot. And hey, how many times did you do that for others before you had kids of your own?
Talk in a high-pitched squeal! This has to end at some point. But when you have a baby, feel free to speak in whatever weird voice and cadence you please.
Stare at someone for hours on end. I stare at my child non-stop. I can't help it. She's just so cute. But I imagine if I did this to ... anyone else ... it would be kind of frowned upon. And someone might call the cops.
Leave the house looking like a crazy person. When you don't have a kid, and you leave the house in sweatpants, a stained shirt, and a ponytail, you're a "slob." But when you're a parent, you're "busy."
What other things can only parents do?
Image via Joe Shlabotnik/Flickr