10 Reasons I Never Want a Baby in My House Again

LOL 28

Babies are pretty awesome, aren't they? They smell great, they have that precious little giggle, and they're just too darn adorable.

My two boys are much older now, 7 and 9 to be exact. So it's been quite awhile since I could hold them in the crook of my arms. In fact, the only chance my wife and I get to do that is when we see another couple's little bundle of joy. We smile, play with the cute little guy or gal, and tell the parents how beautiful their little baby is.

At this point, most guys are running to the hills, waiting for that biological clock to scream at your wife to pop out just one more while there's still time. My wife's clock either has the best snooze button ever or she tossed the batteries long ago.

Whenever we see a baby, we both look at each other and say in unison, "Not a chance!" If you need a reason for our baby-proof stance, I can give you one. Heck, I'll give you 10!

  1. I can actually sleep peacefully in my own bed without the sheer terror of accidentally rolling over and crushing the little guy next to me.
  2. I no longer can tell you which insanely painful cartoons are on TV at 2 a.m. And 3 a.m. And 4 a.m. ...
  3. My nose doesn't have the eternal fragrance of A&D or Balmex keeping it company anymore.
  4. No more cabinets full of dozens of tiny little jars of baby food, which would instantly trigger my gag reflex if I ever smell another strained pea again.
  5. We had our kids two years apart, and my wife was a big supporter of nursing. No way I could go another two or four years to get those girls back!
  6. Three words: Infant car seats. Even Houdini would have trouble setting those things up.
  7. I'm a guy. We hate changing clothes. Heck, we hate getting dressed. Having to change my shirt nine times a day thanks to the spit-up machine is pretty darn low on my "List o' Fun."
  8. Apparently, like dogs, babies will put just about anything in their mouths that they can get their hands on. That means no Lego sets. No puzzles. No beer bottles. No fun.
  9. There is nothing worse than waking up in the middle of the night when you have to go to the bathroom REAL badly. You race down the hall, run to the toilet ... and can't get that friggin' toilet lock to open. Baby-proofing can be real painful if you're not a baby.
  10. Whether it's a 1-day or 10-day vacation, packing with a newborn is a nightmare! You pretty much need to rent a U-Haul to fit the box of diapers, crate of wipes, the pack and play, two strollers, toys, books, 400 extra outfits for the baby, oh, and then your luggage too.

What do you miss least about having a baby in the house?


Photo via christina rutz/Flickr

baby development, baby first year

28 Comments

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butte... butterflyfreak

You never learn, do you? You are going to get BLASTED for the comment about your wife's breasts. Breastfeeding diatribe commencing in 3...2...1...

nonmember avatar Octoberbird

He never does learn, butterflyfreak. His wife must be a saint...and if this is someone's idea of humor, they don't know what humor is

Coles... Coles_mom

Lol @ butterflyfreak....I came on to say the same thing....Andrew never learns.

SuzyB... SuzyBarno

Oh please, he's a man! This is meant to be a funny article. Any husband would love to get up all over his wives breasts without being worried about milk squirting in his eyes. Let up you guys!

nonmember avatar Lexi jordan

@suzyBarno I agree! I think this article was written in jest..& I personally think it's hilarious! I know lots of men joke about their relationship with their wives boobs after baby! lol

Death... Deathlilly

I think its funny. Glad he doesn't bend to the peer pressure of overly-sensitive internet commenters

Flori... Floridamom96

I LOVED nursing, but I was just a s happy to finally my breasts back, too. Plus you forgot the fridge lock, the oven lock, all the cabinet locks, and stupid baby gates. Oh, and potty training. NEVER again.

nonmember avatar Samantha

Night wakings & potty training.. Tantrums & choke hazzards.. Sicknesses & butt rashes.. Oh and food in my hair. Definately not going to miss them when theyre done. But as of now, i only have one child & want one or 2 more. So.. Ill endure the torment at least once more. At least next time i wont be alone in the job. :)

Valerie Metzger

Lol, his wife must be a saint? He didn't say he didn't SUPPORT her breastfeeding, just that he missed her breasts, what's wrong with that? I thought the article was funny and pretty accurate! I'm still in babyland and I will argue my way out of almost any overnight trip because I hate the packing involved...

nonmember avatar Diana

Of course this was written by a man. You don't want to have another baby so you can play with your wife's tatas? And good for her for being a breast feeding supporter

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