A Baby Cage: Just What Today's Busy Moms Need!

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In 1923, U.S. patent 1448235 was issued to an Emma Read for her remarkable invention of the Portable Baby Cage. It was the purpose of this invention to suspend infants from the exterior of high-rise buildings, adjacent to windows, so that they could enjoy fresh air and exercise without the pesky business of taking the child outside.

You can see the downright amazing photos of the baby cage in action here, in photos taken in the 1930s. There they sit/crawl/recline, the Portably Caged Babies, dangled many stories above the street in a wire mesh box. Are they happy? Are they gripped by diaper-filling terror? It's hard to say, because we can only rely on the images. Tragically, the baby cage is no longer a viable product.

Yes, I said tragically. Sure, you might be horrified by those photos, but that's because you haven't thought of the many, MANY benefits a window-bolted baby cage can provide!

For one thing, consider the immeasurable reduction in baby-related odors. Smelly diaper? Out you go into the cage, Junior. Let those fresh breezes carry away the eyeball-searing stench of the child's bodily secretions. This would come in especially handy if you were having guests over. How many times have you tidied the house for company, only to have your infant grunt his way through a massive blowout just before the doorbell rings? With the cage, you could just put him outside the window ahead of time -- and guests could still admire his rosy wind-chapped cheeks from behind the safety of the glass. Don't forget to line the mesh with fresh newspapers!

Also, life with a baby would be so much more peaceful if you could stick him outside when he cries. Let's face it: babies are abysmally noisy. But who will hear him in the portable baby cage? No one aside from those pigeons (are they pecking him? Well, no matter, he'll learn valuable lessons about wildlife!). Go ahead, while baby hollers, you can put your feet up and get some much-needed rest.

Finally, I think we can all agree that cramming your child in what appears to be a veal pen is the perfect solution for reducing mobility and increasing those delicious baby fat-rolls. No one likes a crawling, toddling, getting-into-everything baby, and a small cage is well-suited for hindering his development. Plus, you can surely slip a bottle through the openings in the wire to make sure he's building up those adorable roly-poly thighs. Remember, a baby with muscle tone is an unattractive and unpleasant baby.

In conclusion, I for one hope the Portable Baby Cage comes back into vogue -- what a tragedy that it was only enjoyed by those who raised children 80 years ago. It's just so sad that we've replaced wonderful practices like this with the callous modern parenting choices of today.

Have you ever heard of this 1930-era baby cage? Would you totally buy one right now? Do you think someone should invent a sarcasm font?

Image via Encyclopedia Homeschoolica/Getty Images

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Hanna... Hanna1981

WOoooooooooooooooooooW I can noy believe that ANYONE thought it was a good idea LOL

kisse... kisses5050

you know it probally is not anymore dangerous  than some of the dangers lurking around the house today...

Karma... KarmasEvilTwin

Funny yet somewhat disturbing...I like it :D


MomOf... MomOf2AndAZoo

Lmao at ' eyeball-searing stench'. Too true sometimes!rolling on floor

nonmember avatar Angela

We need to remember from what time this came from. There was no air conditoning back then. Imagine the danger of just having the window open to try to keep it a little cooler. At least this would keep the kid from falling out. Also I'm not sure but I don't think strollers folded very well either so if you lived on the 4th floor and wanted to take your kiddo for a walk for some fresh air...it's hard enough now. They also didn't have play yard or play pens then either. I mean we've come along way, but I can see how something like this could be useful in keep kids from falling out windows because they want to see out. Think about it. Okay maybe not chicken wire, but I'm sure there could be some use for something like that even if it is just a safety precaution on 2nd or higher story windows.

maris... mariscilla

I really want to enjoy the satire in this but the picture is just freaking me out

tel4him tel4him

OMGosh!  I want one! LOL  Ok. Just kidding.  I think those are funny, but I don't think I would ever use one now.

unkno... unknownstar

AGREE!!!! if its bolted in good, id use for the purpose below!!!

on Jan 9, 2013 at 2:27 PM

MY first thought was "Wow - we'd never hear about another death of a baby falling out of an open window!" AND you could still lean out & look around unlike what iron bars let you do. =)

nonmember avatar Esaloca

Awful contraption... Hilarious article.... lmaooo... She forgot to mention how you could save on the water bill if it rains and the baby gets a free shower... hahaha...

angnjay angnjay

i seriusly hope that anyone that thinks this is a good idea never has kids ever in life to lazy to take your kids out to play so lets just sitck him in a  cage that could detach and fall and kill the child freaking horrable 

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