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10 Brutally Honest Cards for New Mothers

by Jill Smokler on December 10, 2012 at 9:50 AM

cards for new momsHave you looked for a new baby card lately? Well, I did yesterday, and it took me 20 minutes to settle on something completely mediocre. Where were the honest ones? The non-sugar coated congratulatory wishes? The funny? They were nowhere to be found, so I came up with some messages of my own.

Hallmark, are you listening?

1. Congratulations! You're about to be held hostage against your will for the next 18 years!

2. Mazel tov! Your vagina will never be the same.

3. Congratulations ... Better you than me.

4. You're having a girl ... Start locking up your makeup and jewelry now!

5. It's a boy! And he is going to be DISGUSTING!

More from The Stir: 8 Gifts Never to Give a New Mom

6. Celebrate! From this moment on, nothing belongs to YOU anymore.

7. Best wishes with your bundle of joy. You're going to need it!

8. Congratulations! My vagina aches just thinking about you!

9. Congrats! Being a mother is going to kick your ass.

10. I heard you're pregnant ... Good luck with that.


Image via Scary Mommy

Filed Under: newborns, time for mom


  • pcp3
    -- Nonmember comment from


    December 10, 2012 at 10:29 AM
    I always wanted to find one that said "Welcome to your new tax deduction"
  • the4m...


    December 10, 2012 at 10:46 AM
    Glad that YOU think you're funny. Someone needs to.
  • nikki...


    December 10, 2012 at 10:51 AM
    I thought some of these were funny too. But I like sarcastic humor. Would I give any of these? I would numbers 1, 4, and 5. But ofcourse I'd write something sentimental also.
  • Gretta
    -- Nonmember comment from


    December 10, 2012 at 10:55 AM
    Meh. Weak.
  • poshkat


    December 10, 2012 at 11:31 AM
    Lol. I was just laughing with my friend who just Had baby last week about gross babies and still looking pregnant
  • c_gal...


    December 10, 2012 at 12:16 PM
    Lol! those are funny
  • Jacqu...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Jacqueline Stevason

    December 10, 2012 at 4:09 PM

    Cute. Just had #2 4 weeks ago, so if I got one of these I'd laugh :)

  • Cassa...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Cassandra Huber

    December 11, 2012 at 10:09 AM

    Lol!! Boys ARE disgusting!!! But on the other hand having a son is the most fun time of your life, as girls are whiny and needy and are bossy as they get older, even though there are awesome parts to raising a girl, just don't have a daughter so I haven't found that out yet!  Being a mom of an awesome little boy rocks, disgustingness and all!!! 

  • Cassa...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Cassandra Huber

    December 11, 2012 at 10:10 AM

    And those who act uptight and can't laugh about this, I feel sorry for you, as humor is the best medicine, and wihout humor, life is terrible!!!

  • Bunny...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Bunny Lee DuChemin Wilson

    December 11, 2012 at 1:03 PM

    This is not only not's deameaning to mothers, and anyone who would come up with these sorts of things, probably should refrain from having children as they clearly do not realize or appreciate the huge blessing it would be to them.

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