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Mommy Has Cancer

Having A Daughter With Cancer Changed My Dad

by Joanna Montgomery on November 22, 2012 at 11:15 AM

My husband and daughter recently went to dinner with my parents to celebrate my 45th birthday. During the meal, something was jokingly said about how my father may disapprove of certain people our little girl might choose to date in the future.

My dad immediately jumped in and said, "Oh, no. Our little Maggie can be with whomever she likes, regardless of race or gender or profession. All that matters is that she's happy."

What the what?

Where was this open-minded, accepting guy when I was dating?

This is the same man who turned away boys who came to our door to pick me up for dates because their hair was too long or their car too souped up. The man who had a fit when I dated a boy with an earring or someone of a different ethnic background than mine.

And let's not even talk about the years after my divorce when I dated women. (That's a whole other story...)

I'm someone who has never been hung up on labels, including those relating to gender or race or status. I am simply drawn to certain people. My attraction has always had more to do with intelligence, sense of humor and common interests than looks or gender or skin color. And I always knew that if I ever became a parent, I'd want the same for my child. I'd just want her to be happy.

Well, now that I'm a mother, I can see how parents can get up in arms over their child's choices. For instance, it would be very hard for me to sit quietly by and watch my daughter get involved with an active drug addict, or someone who was emotionally abusive to her.

But I'll cross that bridge if I come to it. That's not what I'm talking about here.

I don't know if it's (finally) having a grandchild after thinking he never would, or if it's nearly losing a daughter to cancer, but my dad has changed. 

Now I know grandparents are always more laid back than parents. That's the rule, right? Parents stress out over every little thing their child does while the grandparents just get to love on them and spoil them.

But this is more than that.

I've noticed a fundamental shift in my father since I got cancer. It is clear that he recognizes that life is too short and too precious to worry about things that can't be controlled. 

Who cares who his granddaughter may choose to love; at least she is alive and healthy and here.

I also think that my brothers and I may have gradually influenced my father over time. He may not have agreed with our choices over the years. We siblings are on the opposite end of the scale from my dad when it comes to politics and religion and pretty much anything in between. But he has always loved us unconditionally, even when we haven't seen eye to eye.

And in terms of being there for us? My dad is the person I could call in the middle of the night and he'd come to my rescue and take my side no matter what. You need to bury a body? Give me a shovel, no questions asked. He's fiercely loyal, and oh so proud of us.

Regardless of the choices and beliefs of his liberal offspring, I think my conservative dad now sees that we all turned out okay. More than okay, actually. We're productive members of society. We've all enjoyed career success. Plus, we're happy and healthy and here.

What more can a parent ask?

Images (top to bottom) via Sandi Severi/SHS Photography and the author.

 

Filed Under: cancer

Comments

8
  • fleur...
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    fleurdelys3110

    November 22, 2012 at 12:07 PM
    The title of this article is misleading. It sounds as if your daughter has cancer.
  • bills...
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    billsfan1104

    November 22, 2012 at 12:43 PM
    Fleur, I thought the same.
  • Celia...
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    Celiacelia

    November 22, 2012 at 1:52 PM
    I understood it as intended. Anyway, that's pretty beautiful. My mom just told me yesterday she didn't care who I chose as a mate as long as I was happy which is nice because I come from a Mexican family where they don't accept a lot of racial mixing.
  • EmmaF...
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    EmmaFromEire

    November 22, 2012 at 6:20 PM

    This is a truly lovely article. I also understood it as you meant it! It's really refreshing to hear how your father has mellowed out, i'm happy for you :)


  • Diane...
    -- Nonmember comment from

    Diane Hindd

    November 22, 2012 at 6:56 PM
    Joanna did have cancer that was discovered when she gave birth to her child. She has taught so many people how to be full of grace while you are receiving chemo and in the fight of your life! So many love her!
  • mothe...
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    mother3b1g

    November 22, 2012 at 10:28 PM

    Congradulations on your baby girl. I will pray for ur recovery from cancer. You sound very strong .. It does change peoples outlook on life. My family has a very high rate of cancer so far everyoone has died from it. my mom currenty is going to start her second round of chem and my uncle was dx 2 months ago and is already stage four. Although i do not have it i can sympathize with the emotions the family goes thru. god speed and i pray for a full recovery...you rock


  • Pinst...
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    Pinstripes4

    November 22, 2012 at 11:30 PM
    I had an awful Thanksgiving and this is just beautiful; it totally made up for it! I wish you all the best to your entire family.
  • femal...
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    femaleMIKE

    November 23, 2012 at 9:01 AM

    I have noticed that my parents are more lenient in their grandchildren too. It sounds like you have given your father a bumpy ride with your love life, so now he is knows what he has to look forward to and he is not worried. 


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