7 Things Every Woman Should Know Before Having a Baby

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nicole fabian-weber
MY lounge chair.
Babies are the greatest, aren't they? They're so pure, and sweet, and they bring infinite joy into people's lives. But, you know what else they do? Rob their parents of the life they used to know!

It's all for the better, I swear! I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything in the universe, but after I had her, the little things my childless self used to do suddenly became extreme luxuries. Or, you know, things that just didn't happen at all.

Friends who are thinking of having kids -- let me tell you, it truly is the best thing in the world. Go for it. But take heed. Here are 7 things you should know before having a baby.

Life as you know it won't end. It'll just ... change.

You will come in contact -- on a fairly regular basis -- with feces that aren't your own. Like cleanliness? A fan of not touching other people's poop? You may want to consider staying childless, because let me tell you: Babies = Poop. Everywhere. All the time.

The inside of a movie theater will be but a distant memory. Everybody kept saying it to me before I gave birth: "Don't stay in the house now, because once the baby comes ..." And I should have listened to them, but I was just so tired. I can't tell you the last time I went to a movie. If my husband and I get out, it's to grab a quick bite so we can talk. But there is an upside! Lots of OnDemand to look forward to.

Your voice will start to sporadically break into a high-pitched squeal. You're talking to your husband or your friend in your normal voice. Yeah, so I really need to get those TPS reports done for wo-- Then your baby wakes up, and your voice involuntarily shifts a few octaves higher. I hear a pretty little girl!!! I'm gonna get yooouuu!!!

You'll be able to get out of your house quickly. Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "quickly"? I mean, it'll take forever to leave your house! For-ev-er. (And don't even get me started on "traveling light.")

David Letterman, Andy Cohen, and John Stewart will become unrecognizable to you. Enjoy shows that go on later than 10? (Or, um, 9?) Better set that DVR, friend. Once you have a kid, sleep trumps hilarious social commentary any day.

You will become one of "those people." Used to roll your eyes at the men and women who would talk about their kids, and -- gasp! -- show you pictures of the little ones? Heh-heh-heh. You just wait.

Before having a baby, ask yourself this: Do I like spit-up? Because let me tell you, spit-up likes you.

Have anything else to add?

Image via Nicole Fabian-Weber

baby first year


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worki... workingmama86

Forget about sleep! It isn't happening

Be prepared to never use the bathroom alone EVER again! LOL

Get ready to learn every kids song there is on tv! lol!

Your new favorite show will be mickey mouse club house! And as your baby grows older, you will love (or be annoyed with) Spongebob and Phineas and Ferb! 

nonmember avatar Jessi

High pitched squealing aside, I disagree with many from your list.

1) I do get out of the house fairly quickly with the help of my fiance and I working as a team. I throw everything in the diaper bag while he changes the baby and clothes her then we go over the checklist and out the door we go. It usually takes 10 minutes or so.

2) Movie theater a distant memory? Not so much. There is such a thing as a babysitter and it's healthy to have a little alone time with your significant other. We've gone to estate sales, shopping, quiet dinners out, heck we're even going to NY Comic Con this Saturday.

3)David Letterman Jon Stewart...: I'm usually a night owl and frankly after a 13.5 hr day I cant just crash. I stay up, play with my daughter, put her to bed then relax in bed with my fiance for a few hours until about 12-1am then I'm back up at 6am feeding and changing her and getting myself ready for work.

4)As for becoming one of THOSE people. I have not. My daughter is 3 months old and although I love her to pieces I still do not find it necessary to speak about her in excess. Sure if someone asks I'll gladly give a BRIEF update but don't expect this mom to shove her daughter's pictures in everyone's face as I coo about her most recent ability.

As for spit up and poo, well that's just a fact of life.

Angie Hayes

Sometimes, I think it takes me a half an hour to get out that door, when all I have to do is run to the bank.. I think to myself, is it worth it, should I even attempt.

When your kids wake up in the middle of the night, don't ever except or think for one minute that your husband might, just might get up with them kids and take care of them. It will NEVER happen!!! It will always be you and you should just learn to love it... i am going on three days of half ass sleep, my kids are both sick.

cassi... cassie_kellison

One thing I would add is that you start to get some semblance of normal life back when they get older, so it was a bit of a shock to have it all taken away again with my second. My kids are 5yrs apart. 5yr olds are potty trained, dress themselves, pick up after themselves, tie their shoes, off to school. Then you get to do it aaaall over again.

We go to the movies all the time With kids. Some of the R movies are off limits since our 5yr old understands them, but we have always taken them to the movies, and I have never experienced a screeching baby moment (knock on wood) My four month old has already been to about 4 movies. I breastfeed so it's no problem to just put him on the breast. No on can see me feeding, and he stays quiet.

britn... britneykaren

No more low cut tops!!!! YANK!!!! Boobs. Also maybe stay away from necklaces and dangle earings.....

Alaina Quist

before i had kids i never went anywhere with out makeup on or my hair done and now even though the kids look like they just steped out of gap kids ad, i often look down at my feet when im out and realize that i have two diffrent flip flops on.


mommy... mommytojack0524

@Angie.  I feel bad for you.  My husband gets up with my son every time.  We take care of him together. He changes as many diapers as I do, helps with baths, meals, etc.

Samantha Muscia

You will never have a free moment while they are awake!  My daughter will play by herself for about 5 minutes, now she is almost one, but man, she needs entertainment!  And as soon as I bring out any electronic devise or remote, she is all over me! 

One of you will be better at somethings than the other.  I am very good at calming my daughter down when she is upset, my husband, can get her to sleep like no ones business! And when she was little, he could make her laugh with just a look.  I would have to dance on my head to get a little snicker!

We do get out of the house pretty quickly, but my  husband and I divide responsibilities.  And you can go to the movie theater, but for us, we really have to want to see the movie.  We have seen 3 in the past year - Muppets, Avengers and Dark Knight Rises! 

Todd Vrancic

And trust me, kids can spit UP!  As in directly up!

nonmember avatar Shandeigh

Being a Mom means never peeing alone... ever. And I just love how some of a sanctamommys have come out! "Oh I'm perfect! I feel sorry for you because My husband is perfect too! We are organized! We make time for ourselves! blah blah blahbity blah" Way to ruin a fun article.

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