I Don't Want Another Baby -- If It's a Boy

Mom Moment 106

newborn baby girlThe reasons I have an only child are many, and many of them are extremely personal. But with the debate swirling over the increasing number of parents who are playing around with gender selection so they can get that one baby girl or that one little boy they say they "need," I think it's time to open up a little.

We have a multimillion-dollar industry on our hands with people paying as much as $18,000 to ensure they get the "right" answer come sonogram time. I don't get it. And yet, I do. I've been there.

I have an only child because I couldn't guarantee a girl the second time.

When I got pregnant, it was with one thought and one thought only in mind: we wanted to have a baby. Any baby. Well, our baby, but still ... there was no grand plan for a boy or a girl. After five years of marriage, we'd simply decided it was time to make this a party of three. And after several months of trying, voila. Pregnant.

My husband wanted to know the sex of our baby. I didn't care. As it would turn out, we were met with a stubborn little baby in the ultrasound room (ah, her German heritage already kicking in). Crossed legs meant the sex was staying a secret. But my husband was convinced I was carrying a girl. My OB/GYN was convinced I was carrying a girl. 

Although I didn't tell anyone at the time, I knew it in my bones. I knew she was a she, but I worried that telling people would somehow ruin things if I was wrong. What if I gave birth to a boy and people were disappointed? I couldn't put that kind of pressure on a son. I really, truly, honestly did not feel like I would be disappointed with a son.

Then she arrived. Ten fingers. Ten toes. And no penis.

It felt meant to be, and as I spent more time mothering a daughter, I fell into a groove. I could do this! I had girl parts. She had girl parts. I knew how things were supposed to work. It was more complex than that, of course. There was something about being a woman with a female child that made me feel empowered, like it was my responsibility -- even more so than my husband's -- to teach this little person that girls can do anything they set their minds to.

It will sound like a cliche, but I felt like a piece of me that I never knew was missing had returned, and I was whole.

Naturally, when you have an infant, you start talking about the next one. Will there be a next one? Like I said, our reasons for stopping right there are many. Some are too personal for a blog. But I can't deny that the gender of our first played a big role. My baby changed my mind about parents wanting to pre-determine the gender of their baby.

We had the girl we didn't even know we wanted (well, I didn't know ... my husband always wanted a girl). If we were going to do it again, we'd want another girl. But nature doesn't work that way. There is no guarantee. My grandparents had five boys before finally getting girls.

I don't believe in gender selection on a personal level. I can't put my finger on why; it just feels wrong to me. So we decided to stop right there. We have just one child, the girl we wanted.

And yet, with the way I feel about my daughter, I have to admit I understand the moms and dads who "mess with nature" for one gender or the other. Some are cuckoo for cocoa puffs. But for some, it's really about finding that missing piece of themselves.

Do you have a hankering for one gender over the other? Did it come after you fell in love with your baby?


Image via Jeanne Sager

baby first year, bonding


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Mary Lindberg Polanec

I have never been to this site before, I have never read an article that treated life and the gift of children so superficially before either. I can't believe what I'm reading... I had 2 boys and 2 girls not knowing the gender of any because we didn't have ultrasound machines until the last one was born. Even then I didn't believe that technology. My children have since had children and they don't ever seek out the gender of the children they've been blessed with. The honor of bearing a child and subsequently raising them is joy enough...regardless of the gender.

Jennifer Stroope Luginbuhl

I am an only child and that played a big role in my wanting a big family. Yes, I got so many material things that my friends with brothers and sisters (or cousins for that matter--neither of my aunts have kids) and I got all my mom's and grandparents attention, but and it's a big but I was lonely. Yes, I learned to play by myself (which none of my 4 can do AT ALL), but I think I clung to my friends more. As a teenager, I always wanted to be at my friends houses because they had brothers and sisters and their houes were loud and chaotic and mine was very quiet and very grown up. I currently have 4 kids (2 boys and 2 girls) and am trying very patiently to have #5. I had a boy first which was what I really was hoping for. They are loud and rambunctious. My house is certainly as noisy as I always hoped it would be!!

Gwynyth Gwynyth

I didn't have a preference, but I knew she was a girl from the first! I adore her!!!! If I ever have another, I might hope for a boy, but I wouldn't be disappointed either way.

aponder aponder

I wanted one of each, so I rolled the dice and tried for a third time and finally got her, I wasnt a bit dissappointed with her  older brother though (16 months) him and her are like having a set of twins, and most of the time they get along very well.  I would have been fine with a 3rd boy too though, I reasoned I already had all the boy stuff that having a boy would be more practical, but knowing I was pregnant with a girl made the 3rd time a little less old hat and kind of exciting.

amazz... amazzonia

I just don't understand how parents can think this way. A baby is a baby! I have 2 daughters and I want more, if I end up with 5 girls, well they are my little girls, I will have grandsons! How canyou think gender with your child??? To me is disgusting this way of thinking, disgusting, selfish and very very sad

Mindi Brizendine

I wanted a boy and got a son. I was ecstatic. I would have loved a daughter also. My sister has pcos and was trying really hard to get pregnant. She wanted a girl really bad. She had it in her mind that she was having a girl. I thought she was having a boy. She found out she was having a boy and was disappointed. I thought that was stupid because she tried really hard to get pregnant for a long time. She should have been grateful to be pregnant. She got over it eventually and loves her son.

Melan... Melanie420

i would love whatever I get, I have alittle boy and would prefer another one but would love a girl as well. your extremly selfish, you have no idea what boys are like and you have one child because you did what millions of other woman have done....had a girl, do something interesting and have a boy, they are way more cute and fun

Kimberley Galloway Reid

The number of children you have, IF you have children, all of that is an intensely personal choice. I get that. I do, however, think the author is selling herself just a bit short. If she didn't have a preference the first time around, and then found that having a daughter just "fit" I'm fairly sure she'd feel the same way if she had a son. But I do think it's perfectly fine to stop at one and list one of the reasons as gender. Again, it's a personal choice and decision. I have three sons and one daughter, my daughter was born second so there was no "trying to get the right gender" involved. It's a different experience - mothering sons and mothering daughters. Just as each child is different, each gender presents their own challenges. And I wouldn't have missed a moment of the journey! BTW, I'm an only child and loved it! :D

nonmember avatar candice

When I was prego with my first I wanted a girl so bad becuz I was going at it alone(or so I thght lol) but knew it was a boy. I was very dissapointed when it was confirmed a boy becuz I was scared that as a single mom I couldn't raise a boy as good as a girl alone. But when he arrived all doubts flew out the window lol. He was my angel. 5 yrs later I got my baby girl. And now I know I wldnt have it any other way! He is the best big brother and son I cld ask for. I want two more and I now know that even tho I want to give my son a brother (since he has 2 older sisters with his dad and his wife plus now a lil sister with me and my husband ill be happy with whatever the good lord gives me. Even if it means no more babies at all. All these parents chooseing to "fix" their babies gender forget god will always give you what is best! There's a reason we weren't allowed to choose to begin with.

Amy Fleet

my first i wanted a boy. i just knew it was. mother nature has her was. she was a girl. by the way she is 19. my second i was told it was a boy, and the joke was on me again. she is 15. i love my girls with all my heart. if i was to have had 2 boys i would feel the same way!! boy or girl? who cares. they are yours!! i dont want anymore. for my reasons.

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