I Don't Want Another Baby -- If It's a Boy

Mom Moment 106

newborn baby girlThe reasons I have an only child are many, and many of them are extremely personal. But with the debate swirling over the increasing number of parents who are playing around with gender selection so they can get that one baby girl or that one little boy they say they "need," I think it's time to open up a little.

We have a multimillion-dollar industry on our hands with people paying as much as $18,000 to ensure they get the "right" answer come sonogram time. I don't get it. And yet, I do. I've been there.

I have an only child because I couldn't guarantee a girl the second time.

When I got pregnant, it was with one thought and one thought only in mind: we wanted to have a baby. Any baby. Well, our baby, but still ... there was no grand plan for a boy or a girl. After five years of marriage, we'd simply decided it was time to make this a party of three. And after several months of trying, voila. Pregnant.

My husband wanted to know the sex of our baby. I didn't care. As it would turn out, we were met with a stubborn little baby in the ultrasound room (ah, her German heritage already kicking in). Crossed legs meant the sex was staying a secret. But my husband was convinced I was carrying a girl. My OB/GYN was convinced I was carrying a girl. 

Although I didn't tell anyone at the time, I knew it in my bones. I knew she was a she, but I worried that telling people would somehow ruin things if I was wrong. What if I gave birth to a boy and people were disappointed? I couldn't put that kind of pressure on a son. I really, truly, honestly did not feel like I would be disappointed with a son.

Then she arrived. Ten fingers. Ten toes. And no penis.

It felt meant to be, and as I spent more time mothering a daughter, I fell into a groove. I could do this! I had girl parts. She had girl parts. I knew how things were supposed to work. It was more complex than that, of course. There was something about being a woman with a female child that made me feel empowered, like it was my responsibility -- even more so than my husband's -- to teach this little person that girls can do anything they set their minds to.

It will sound like a cliche, but I felt like a piece of me that I never knew was missing had returned, and I was whole.

Naturally, when you have an infant, you start talking about the next one. Will there be a next one? Like I said, our reasons for stopping right there are many. Some are too personal for a blog. But I can't deny that the gender of our first played a big role. My baby changed my mind about parents wanting to pre-determine the gender of their baby.

We had the girl we didn't even know we wanted (well, I didn't know ... my husband always wanted a girl). If we were going to do it again, we'd want another girl. But nature doesn't work that way. There is no guarantee. My grandparents had five boys before finally getting girls.

I don't believe in gender selection on a personal level. I can't put my finger on why; it just feels wrong to me. So we decided to stop right there. We have just one child, the girl we wanted.

And yet, with the way I feel about my daughter, I have to admit I understand the moms and dads who "mess with nature" for one gender or the other. Some are cuckoo for cocoa puffs. But for some, it's really about finding that missing piece of themselves.

Do you have a hankering for one gender over the other? Did it come after you fell in love with your baby?


Image via Jeanne Sager

baby first year, bonding


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nonmember avatar Shandeigh

I think sometimes God knows what you want better than you do... I always wanted a girl... and I got a boy and I can't imagine it any other way now.

nonmember avatar Krister

Sometimes Gender selection IS done to insure the health of a child. My husband and I carry a rare genetic disorder that is specifically links to the Y Chromosome (any son of ours would have a 75% chance of having it). Gender selection would allow us to have a girl and not worry about having a child with a lifetime of health consequences.

angie... angiewith2

I have 3 boys  I'm currently pregnant with baby #4.  I can't wait to find out what we're having.  I honestly don't care if it's a boy or a girl.  They will be loved regardless.  Honestly I"m used to boys and the idea of learning to raise a girl with the 4th makes me a little nervous but I know that it will fall in to place and be natural.  I think it's the pre-concieved notions people have sometimes that makes them want one or another.  Like if you have a girl you're going to be smothered in pink and sit at ballet recitals for the rest of your life or if you have a boy you have to sign them up for sports and buy them camoflage.  Each child is unique . Even with my 3 boys they are all so different.  My oldest loves the outdoors, loves to hunt and is excited about math and Science.  My 8 yr old doesn't care for the outdoors, loves to build and create things with his hands, and is a natural at his school subjects.  My current youngest Loves vehicles, is intersted in the color pink (chooses pink popsicles, and pink crayons when he gets the chance...I think it's because there is a lack of pink here) and loves to help.  Don't let a gender define what you desire as a family.  Before I had kids I thought I wanted two 1 boy and 1 girl.  But I was never disappointed when their boy parts showed up on the sonogram.  I can't imagine what life would be like without them


nonmember avatar noelia

I have a beautiful boy and I'm tired of all the anti-boy attitudes. Thankfully I'm from a Hispanic culture that still cherishes boys. I think most women want baby girls because they want a little doll to dress up. I am raising a child not playing with a doll. Both genders are blessings and should be loved and cherished.

tuffy... tuffymama

I feel bad for a kid being raised by such a sexist mother. I hope you get fixed.

kisse... kisses5050

eugenics- is the "thing " you can't put your finger on...and it is a scary slippery slope...

Water... Water_geM

I get it...

i have two older boys,and i finally got my girl with my third pregnancy and her twin brother.


We got a girl first & a boy later. I did not want a boy basically because I grew up in a family of women (5 girls, mom & grandmother) with a military father who was absent most times & had little interest in us when he was home. I felt like Gone With The Winds Butterfly McQueen; I didn't know nuthin bout birthin no baby boy's! Then I saw my son & he latched onto my breast... I didn't know anything but but he was a natural & the two of began a wonderful journey together.

Little girls have a special relationship with their daddies & I had secretly been a bit jealous at times. I learned that little boys also have a special, close bond with their mommies & it was daddy's turn to get a little jealous. Raising them BOTH has been an ongoing learning relationship! They are different in wonderful ways & wonderful in different ways - it's all good!

jmama... jmama0307

I have a boy and now I want a girl BUT I wouldn't mind having another boy. I was eating at IHOP and saw a woman eating with her 2 teenage boys and saww how well they got along talking and laughing and it brought joy. I felt warmth so it made me think I wouldn't mind having another boy. My bf and I want to start TTC in Nov and I wouldn't mind having both worlds. As much as I love my son to death. I would like a girl. More so I could do mother daughter and girl stuff. My son and bf play video games together and sometimes I don't pla only if it's Super Mario

Sam Samantha

I have 2 boys 2 girls..even Stephen and Mary and I am done LOL! :D but I naturally feel more closer to my girls because I am one. I know what it is like to be one....I have nothing in common with a boy... But if I was able to have more children I would hope for girls... because when puberty and the teenage years come around at least you know that your daughter is not getting pregnant with 10 different fathers at once..with a teenage son only God knows truly how many grandchildren you have.  :)


its a boybaby giftits a girl

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