I Don't Want Another Baby -- If It's a Boy

Mom Moment 106

newborn baby girlThe reasons I have an only child are many, and many of them are extremely personal. But with the debate swirling over the increasing number of parents who are playing around with gender selection so they can get that one baby girl or that one little boy they say they "need," I think it's time to open up a little.

We have a multimillion-dollar industry on our hands with people paying as much as $18,000 to ensure they get the "right" answer come sonogram time. I don't get it. And yet, I do. I've been there.

I have an only child because I couldn't guarantee a girl the second time.

When I got pregnant, it was with one thought and one thought only in mind: we wanted to have a baby. Any baby. Well, our baby, but still ... there was no grand plan for a boy or a girl. After five years of marriage, we'd simply decided it was time to make this a party of three. And after several months of trying, voila. Pregnant.

My husband wanted to know the sex of our baby. I didn't care. As it would turn out, we were met with a stubborn little baby in the ultrasound room (ah, her German heritage already kicking in). Crossed legs meant the sex was staying a secret. But my husband was convinced I was carrying a girl. My OB/GYN was convinced I was carrying a girl. 

Although I didn't tell anyone at the time, I knew it in my bones. I knew she was a she, but I worried that telling people would somehow ruin things if I was wrong. What if I gave birth to a boy and people were disappointed? I couldn't put that kind of pressure on a son. I really, truly, honestly did not feel like I would be disappointed with a son.

Then she arrived. Ten fingers. Ten toes. And no penis.

It felt meant to be, and as I spent more time mothering a daughter, I fell into a groove. I could do this! I had girl parts. She had girl parts. I knew how things were supposed to work. It was more complex than that, of course. There was something about being a woman with a female child that made me feel empowered, like it was my responsibility -- even more so than my husband's -- to teach this little person that girls can do anything they set their minds to.

It will sound like a cliche, but I felt like a piece of me that I never knew was missing had returned, and I was whole.

Naturally, when you have an infant, you start talking about the next one. Will there be a next one? Like I said, our reasons for stopping right there are many. Some are too personal for a blog. But I can't deny that the gender of our first played a big role. My baby changed my mind about parents wanting to pre-determine the gender of their baby.

We had the girl we didn't even know we wanted (well, I didn't know ... my husband always wanted a girl). If we were going to do it again, we'd want another girl. But nature doesn't work that way. There is no guarantee. My grandparents had five boys before finally getting girls.

I don't believe in gender selection on a personal level. I can't put my finger on why; it just feels wrong to me. So we decided to stop right there. We have just one child, the girl we wanted.

And yet, with the way I feel about my daughter, I have to admit I understand the moms and dads who "mess with nature" for one gender or the other. Some are cuckoo for cocoa puffs. But for some, it's really about finding that missing piece of themselves.

Do you have a hankering for one gender over the other? Did it come after you fell in love with your baby?


Image via Jeanne Sager

baby first year, bonding


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Shannon Armstrong Schultz

I always wanted a daughter. When I growing up and dreamed of my family, I always saw daughters. I was thrilled to find out our first (and only) child turned out to be a girl.

To be honest, I am not sure how I would have felt if she would have turned out a boy. I do think, almost certainly, I would be more willing to try for a second child. I don't know if I would have felt whole without having a daughter.

Tripl... TripleC14

I don't get people's issues with the preference of others or the means through which they go about achieving that, but I personally feel like it's a non-issue. Having children is an inherently selfish act, so add the dimension of gender preference is small potatoes IMO.

We have a son, and I'd love to have a girl someday but would be fine being a mom to just boys. On the other hand I know DH would be disappointed if we had kids and no boys. Not that he'd love daughters any less, but he'd feel a void. Similarly I'd feel a void if we didn't have a 2nd baby. Doesn't mean DS is lacking or "not enough for me", but I'd feel something was missing in our family even if some people would want to argue that I should be happy with what I have.

TMK919 TMK919

I'm really hoping when DH and I decide to TTC again it will be a girl. I already have a ton of "swaying" advice bookmarked, and we are at least a year away from starting! Lol I won't be upset or mad if I have another boy, I will just end up being mommy to 2 perfect boys instead of a perfect boy and a perfect girl :) (although I may rethink my 2 & done stance if we have another boy!)

tbruc... tbrucemom

I have a 26 year old son and a 17 year old daughter but if I had two sons or two daughters I would be just as happy. It is nice having one of each but children are a blessing and one gender shouldn't be preferred over another. Try telling that to an infertile woman. My relationship with each child is a little different because of gender but both are equally fulfulling. My son puts me on a pedestal and thinks I'm a saint and my daugher is my sidekick, we're always together.

the4m... the4mutts

I had a preference for boys. I wanted 3 boys. But as soon as my 2nd child's ultra sound came back with a girl, I was THRILLED!

I have 2 boys, and 2 girls.

I did not expect a 4th child, period. My ex had a vasectomy. I got with my current s/o shortly after our divorce, and had an "oops" that ended in a misscarriage. So I got my tubes tied. He tried talking me into ivf 6 months later. I agreed to think about it. Next month, TOO LATE! Already pregnant, through the tubal!

I was devastated, because I wasn't prepared in any way. Well, when I held my son in my arms, something clicked. My family was complete. I got my tubes re-done 2 months later.

I couldn't be happier with the family I got.

But, I don't blame people for gender selecting. I cried for weeks due to a pregnancy that I didn't think I wanted. But ultimately, I knew I could handle a 4th. You know what you want, need, and can handle. Nobody should tell you its wrong. Ever.

gemin... geminijai

I do understand it... As a woman who was diagnosed at an early age with POF (Premature Ovarian Failure) and PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome), I am forced to resort to fertility treatments to conceive. I've never had a child and, although I always wanted 3, I'll only get 1 more shot at this- as I've already spent thousands on IUI treatments and will now have to turn to IVF. I've always wanted a girl but my family makes boys, so it's likely I'll have a boy, as well. At this point, all I truly want is a child- BUT I can't stop yearning for a girl. My SO and I have the financial means to use gender selection technology, in order to ensure that we have a little girl... I just don't know that it's right, ethically. Just because we have the science and technology to DO it, does it really give us the right to? I'm still not sure.

mnm3boys mnm3boys

I admit I cried when I found out I was having boys both times I never saw myself as a mother to boys but now I couldn't imagine having a girl.  My 3 boys might be a little crazy and like to drive their poor mom up the wall but at the end of the day I wouldnt have it any other way.  I was heartbroken even now being around baby girls I start thinking hmm maybe we should try 1 more time and then the little voice in my head tells me I'm crazy I'm a mother of boys what would I do with a little girl. 

Deann... Deanna2872

Whatever happened to hoping for a healthy baby, regardless of gender???

Being picky, based on gender, seems incredibly ungrateful and self absorbed to me. If someone is choosing not to have children because they might 'get a boy instead of a girl', I applaud their decency to avoid bringing a life into this world that might be unfortunate enough to be the unwanted sex, and end up always being second best. Kids have a hard enough time in todays world, they shouldn't have to be 2nd class citizens at home as well.

hanib... hanibanani

I really want a girl and my husband really wants a boy. We settled on if the first is a girl we will have another ( provided the birth/ preg doesn't change my mind. I'm scared to death of it!) but if it's a boy we will adopt a girl. We may adopt # 2 either way because I'm a big supporter of it. I don't have any yet. Recently went off the pill, but I am so scared of pregnancy/ giving birth. Any advice?

MomLi... MomLily67

Oh blogger, you sound stupid!!!

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