I Don't Want Another Baby -- If It's a Boy

Mom Moment 106

newborn baby girlThe reasons I have an only child are many, and many of them are extremely personal. But with the debate swirling over the increasing number of parents who are playing around with gender selection so they can get that one baby girl or that one little boy they say they "need," I think it's time to open up a little.

We have a multimillion-dollar industry on our hands with people paying as much as $18,000 to ensure they get the "right" answer come sonogram time. I don't get it. And yet, I do. I've been there.

I have an only child because I couldn't guarantee a girl the second time.

When I got pregnant, it was with one thought and one thought only in mind: we wanted to have a baby. Any baby. Well, our baby, but still ... there was no grand plan for a boy or a girl. After five years of marriage, we'd simply decided it was time to make this a party of three. And after several months of trying, voila. Pregnant.

My husband wanted to know the sex of our baby. I didn't care. As it would turn out, we were met with a stubborn little baby in the ultrasound room (ah, her German heritage already kicking in). Crossed legs meant the sex was staying a secret. But my husband was convinced I was carrying a girl. My OB/GYN was convinced I was carrying a girl. 

Although I didn't tell anyone at the time, I knew it in my bones. I knew she was a she, but I worried that telling people would somehow ruin things if I was wrong. What if I gave birth to a boy and people were disappointed? I couldn't put that kind of pressure on a son. I really, truly, honestly did not feel like I would be disappointed with a son.

Then she arrived. Ten fingers. Ten toes. And no penis.

It felt meant to be, and as I spent more time mothering a daughter, I fell into a groove. I could do this! I had girl parts. She had girl parts. I knew how things were supposed to work. It was more complex than that, of course. There was something about being a woman with a female child that made me feel empowered, like it was my responsibility -- even more so than my husband's -- to teach this little person that girls can do anything they set their minds to.

It will sound like a cliche, but I felt like a piece of me that I never knew was missing had returned, and I was whole.

Naturally, when you have an infant, you start talking about the next one. Will there be a next one? Like I said, our reasons for stopping right there are many. Some are too personal for a blog. But I can't deny that the gender of our first played a big role. My baby changed my mind about parents wanting to pre-determine the gender of their baby.

We had the girl we didn't even know we wanted (well, I didn't know ... my husband always wanted a girl). If we were going to do it again, we'd want another girl. But nature doesn't work that way. There is no guarantee. My grandparents had five boys before finally getting girls.

I don't believe in gender selection on a personal level. I can't put my finger on why; it just feels wrong to me. So we decided to stop right there. We have just one child, the girl we wanted.

And yet, with the way I feel about my daughter, I have to admit I understand the moms and dads who "mess with nature" for one gender or the other. Some are cuckoo for cocoa puffs. But for some, it's really about finding that missing piece of themselves.

Do you have a hankering for one gender over the other? Did it come after you fell in love with your baby?


Image via Jeanne Sager

baby first year, bonding


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purpl... purpleflower514

While waking up from my c-section I asked the nurse if I had a boy or girl. When she told me that I had a third son I cried and thought "it was all for nothing". Then I saw him and he was perfect and I adore him.

I don't like finding out the gender before the birth because I dont want to spend months being bummed, it is so much easier for me to say "you're boy, that stinks but whatever, you're cute and I love you".

If I knew our next baby would be our little Elisabeth I would get pregnant right away. Would I love a fourth son? Yes but I really want to have a little girl. Not a thing wrong with that.

nonmember avatar Txlisa

I had two girls by my late husband. Was completely happy and thrilled to have two girls. I wanted girls. After my late husband died I didn't expect to have more children. I then met my current fiance and after a year together we found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant (I was 37). We had a little boy and he is the love of my life. I was a little apprehensive when I found out he was a boy. I didn't know what to do with a boy after two girls. But now I am so happy I get to experience the boy side of things. It's definitely different from raising girls but just as amazing in it's own way.

Mommi... MommietoJB

I have 2 boys, I really wanted a girl the second time. I even cried after the ultrasound for the little girl I was not going to have. But my son was born extremely premature and all I wanted was this little person to survive and be healthy. It changed my outlook. Its normal to prefer a gender. I know a lot of moms that have had 3 or 4 boys desperate for a girl. This doesnt make them bad moms, all I hear is people judging other moms when they have the girl they wanted, they know nothing of what its like to repeatedly get the same gender. Whatever gender your baby is, they will need you to love them and take care of them, so feel blessed and provide them with that their all little angels.

tyrel... tyrelsmom

I didn't have a preference with my first. He was a boy. With my second I didn't have a preference initially, but when the pregnancy went all to hell and we seriously considered stopping at 2, I was hoping for a girl. He was a boy, too, though, and it was really not a big deal, a little bummed, but over it quickly. With the third I was really hoping for a girl, and she was. And with the 4th I was hoping for a girl a little, for my daughter to have a sister. And I got my wish again.

I don't care one way or the other about gender selection unless it's sex selective abortion. There are natural ways of upping your chances of conceiving a particular gender. Nothing wrong with that.

Elise Anderson

My husband and I always said that if we had a baby we would want a boy. If the first was a boy then we were done and if the first was a girl then we would try one more time for a boy. So when I got pregnant I was really hoping for a son because I didn't want to have to do it again. And, yay! A boy is what we got. Our family is perfect for us. So I completely understand gender preference. If we had had a girl we would have loved her and cared for her just as much as we do our son, we just would have ended up with a bigger family.

Cristina Wintersheimer

My beautiful boy is 3.5 months. My mom was convinced when I first told her I was pregnant it would be a boy, and both my husband and I really wanted a boy, too.  Of course, we would've loved a girl just as much! We're both jr. high/high school teachers, so we're well acquainted with the drama some girls that age could be...and we weren't looking forward to that.  :)

I come from a family of four girls, so you'd think I'd want a girl since that's what I know.  But I love my little man, I wouldn't trade him for anything, and we may be stopping with our one, too!

Betwe... BetweenCourses

What a short sighted decision, not to have a second bc u only want another girl... Perhaps after a son is born that"little piece of yourself would return and make you whole"

Betwe... BetweenCourses

I'm nit saying you have to have 2+, just thats as a stand alone reason for only one is dumb


When I was pregnant, my husband wanted I girl, I wanted a boy, because my whole family has had girls. Of course, she is a girl, and I love her more than anything, but I would still love to have a little boy, but I think I'm done. One and only. Seeing as my dds father is now out of the picture. I don't want more than one father.

AniAngel AniAngel

My first was a boy and that's what I was hoping for, I always felt that if there was going to be a little me she needed a big brother. After that we made a rule, if number two is a boy we will try one more time, three of any gender and we are done. Our second was a girl and we did try some natural methods of upping the odds to get that girl, no shame in that. We went for a third anyway with no gender worries and had a beautiful little boy. Almost everyone has a small preference, I think gender selection is just fine if you can afford it. Selective abortion sickens me.

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