When I became a mother, I knew that being selfish wasn't an option. I had twins, two little beings with needs I had to fulfill. Each day I learned more and more what not being selfish was, what it was like to put my own needs aside to care for babies who depended on me. It's not easy, but it's beautiful ... what we do as parents.
If my babies didn't fall asleep when I hoped they would, I didn't leave them in their room to cry it out, hoping their little lungs would get tired as they worked themselves up to a cortisol frenzy, stressing out their tiny little bodies while their minds think, Mama isn't coming for me. Why am I alone? My life -- the TV show I wanted to watch, the meal I wanted to eat, the phone call I wanted to make -- was easy to put on hold. I didn't become a mother to let my kids cry their faces off. I didn't become a parent to ignore their needs. But some callous researchers are trying to tell parents that it's fine to let babies cry.
Just like the Australian researchers responsible for this questionable conclusion want you to ignore your child's cries, I want parents to ignore these researchers. What they are saying is damaging because I truly believe it's in every mother's instinct to go to their child if they cry. A mother's instinct should be respected. And the very facts these scientists present are problematic.
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There were only 225 children tracked in this study, and only half went through sleep training, most popularly called crying it out. Yet not all of them cried it out; some parents did the "camping out" method where they stayed in the room to soothe baby often by putting a soft hand on baby's belly to let her know mama is still there if she cried. Here, the parent didn't leave until baby fell asleep. Camping out is not the same as crying it out. I don't think that's enough to make a bold statement that crying it out is okay for babies. Because shouldn't it be a parent's job to make sure baby isn't crying every night at bedtime? When a child cries when he hurts himself, should we ignore those cries, too? If we go with this kind of CIO logic, ignoring a child's cries when he's hurt will help him learn that he will get hurt in life, get over it, move on, shut up because no one cares, no one is going to kiss your boo-boo and make it better.
So how do we deal with our kids' bedtime as parents? What about our lack of sleep, eating food and actually being able to have a moment to chew and enjoy it, having a moment to watch Real Housewives? I think we all deserve that, but when we sign up to become a parent, we often have to put our kids first. I'd rather be the one who cries myself to sleep because I'm overtired than have my child be upset at bedtime. I'd rather bear the burden. I'm bigger, older, stronger. My early life has already been shaped by the decisions my parents made. Now it's my turn to do the best for my children. And to me, letting my kids cry it out isn't the best I can do. It's selfish. Letting my kids cry it out is essentially telling them, Sorry, mommy's not in the mood for this bedtime routine. I have better things to do. Sleep training doesn't seem worth it when there is a risk of damaging my child's brain development.
We also cannot forget that they have linked crying it out with hyperactivity in kids. The study also says that while sleep trained kids turned out fine, the benefits were often short-term. Very often just when a parent thinks their child successfully graduated from crying it out to a good night's sleep, they regress and more "training" needs to happen. That's a sad cycle of too many tears. And the researchers also warn that there are some kids who will not benefit at all from sleep training, and that it may do more harm than good.
Sounds to me that there are too many variables. And when it comes to my kids' health and well-being, that's not something I want to risk. I'll just have another cup of coffee and put my DVR to good use -- and I'll remember it's just a phase. These early years fly by and soon enough your kid will be all grown up and you'll spend mornings wishing she'll wake up and join you for breakfast.
Does this change your mind about crying it out? What do you think of sleep training?
Image via tamakisono/Flickr
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Comments 199
As long as your child is fed, dry, and not hurt it's ok if they cry. My children's pediatrician told me to let them cry if all of the above are done. There is no harm in it. He also said babies cry just to cry sometimes and there is nothing wrong with them. My daughter was a screamer at bed time and i did not hold her every night and she turned out perfectly fine!!! If it got to the point where she was screaming uncontrollably then i would go in; hold her for about 10 min and put her down and then the crying would start again. You don't have to coddle your baby every time he or she cries. My daughter who is 9 now does not remember crying herself to sleep for about 6 months. She is a perfectly normal, bright and happy 9 year old. So do I think it's ok to let your child cry themselves to sleep? Absolutely. It does not mean they will grow up to hate you or be a depressed individual. I did it and my kid is fine!!
This is a VERY irresponsible article. First of all, the CIO sleep method is NOT synonymous with letting your child cry when they are hurt or hungry etc. It's not meant for ANYTHING other than teaching your child healthy sleep habits. Secondly, before you make comments such as "Sleep training doesn't seem worth it when there is a risk of damaging my child's brain development", PLEASE, read the actual studies. The children with emotional, developmental problems, etc are ones who were literally abandoned and whose parents never responded to any cries. Don't make things up and say sleep training causes those issues because the studies show they don't and when you say things like that it just shows your ignorance.
And please, stop talking about how the prison population results from parents letting their children CIO. That's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. I've actually studied this and taken courses about this and there and MANY factors involved in what leads to criminal behavior and simply doing sleep training has NOTHING to do with it. The lazy parents are the ones who don't bother to educate themselves about what the truth really is, NOT the ones who try in an reasonable manner to teach their children to become independent, well adjusted children. Now with that said I think you could not do CIO and still have happy well adjusted children but I think the same is true if you do use CIO and do it with careful consideration for how it is working for your family.