Baby

So everybody's been talking about what horrible people babies are, and I -- oh, you haven't heard? Yeah, according to a bunch of researchers, babies apparently have no moral compass. How did they make this disconcerting and seemingly irrelevant discovery, you ask? Interesting story: Basically, they lined all the babies up and made them take turns trying on a tiny Sorting Hat and -- wouldn't you know? They all ended up in Slytherin.

Okay, not really, but honestly? The actual "scientific process" involved researchers observing babies' reactions to puppets pretending to push each other down a hill or something and sounds about as accurate as a magic hat.

Anyway, the whole thing is supposed to support the theory that human beings aren't born knowing right from wrong. And it's a good thing babies don't have size or motor skills to their advantage cause those little suckers are rotten to the core.

But you know what? I don't buy it. Not for a second. I've known lots of babies -- even had a couple of my own -- and while it's true that they are inordinately self-centered little creatures, they aren't sociopaths. For cripessake!

Babies totally show compassion and kindness and concern for others, contrary to what this study claims. If you're a mom, you know what I'm talking about: Those moments when you stub your toe or get a paper cut and cry out in pain and your baby looks at you like, Oh my god, Mommy! Mommy is hurt! Should I cry, too! MOMMY!!

I can still clearly remember the day I was pushing my 11- or 12-month-old daughter in a grocery cart when we heard another baby crying from some other part of the store. Instantly, my daughter started looking around in alarm. "Bee-bee!" Oh no! A baby is sad! Something must be done!!

I mean, who knows -- I guess it's possible that those researchers just got stuck with a group of future criminals. But I doubt it.

Do you think your baby was born bad?

Image via Hamish Darby/Flickr