nicole fabian-weberNow that I’m the proud new mom of a baby girl, I say a lot of things. Things I never thought I’d say. I hear sentences like “Who’s that pretty girl?!” in octaves much higher than my regular voice make their way out of my mouth about 200 times a day. And by no means does it stop there. Other words that I never imagined could be strung together leave my lips. And they’re always -- always -- spoken in a high-pitched, Muppet-esque tone. “I’m gonna get yooou!”

And then there are things that I don’t say now. Things that I can’t, for the life of me, ever fathom saying again. Things that seem like they’re from another life, long, long ago. Things that I’ve never uttered, and may very well never. And I don’t think I’m presumptuous in thinking I’m not alone. Here are 13 things you will never hear coming out of a new mom’s mouth.

"I can’t wait to sleep in.”

“Let’s go to the movies tonight.”

“See this Christmas bonus? Louboutins!”

“I love traveling light.”

“Speaking of light, how about this car seat!”

“I think I’m going to hang out at the spa for a bit after going for my massage.”

“I think I’m going to go for a massage.”

“I’m exhausted ... from the gym.”

“Yes, I’m going to Target, but no, I wasn’t planning on hitting up the baby section.”

“There isn’t a stitch of laundry to be done!”

“You have two extra tickets for that concert on Friday? Count us in!”

“Just between you and me ... I actually like washing bottles.”

“Ahh, dinnertime ... the most relaxing part of the day.”

Can you think of any things new moms definitely don't say?

 

Image via Nicole Fabian-Weber