10 Ridiculous Things I've Done to Not Wake My Newborn

nicole fabian-weberThey say parenthood makes you do crazy things, and three months in, I'm finding that "they" are right. I'd murder for my daughter, take a bullet for her, make the same silly face and voice over and over and over and over again if it's making her smile. I would also army crawl past her crib if it was the only means of not waking her. And I have.

Living in a one-bedroom with a baby isn't for the faint of heart. Especially when that baby is a light sleeper. I love my daughter more than anything in this universe, but I do not want to wake her up. Here are 10 embarrassing, insane things I've done to keep her sleeping.

1. My husband and I went through a period when we stopped flushing the toilet at night after she went to bed. Were Cookie magazine still around, I don't suspect they'd do a feature on us.

2. We developed a system of "tight-rope walking" past her crib on the one wooden panel in our floor that doesn't creek. We've also slithered.

3. I've borderline passed out from stifling a coughing fit while rubbing my sleeping baby's back after a bottle.

4. I've hid in my bathroom with my dog when my neighbors are walking past my door, as neighbors walking past my door make him bark. (Also, low point in my life: I actually said "fuck you" to him once after he woke her.)

5. I've watched TV with the closed captioning on. 

6. I've talked on the phone on my fire escape. (You should see what getting out onto my fire escape entails.)

7. I've avoided drying my hair. May not seem like a big deal to you, but I have bangs.

8. I've threatened to emancipate myself from my father if he went in to her "room" to look at her. (He didn't know the floorboard system.)

9. We've called restaurants we've ordered take out from -- numerous times -- to ensure that the delivery guy not ring the buzzer ... to which they've said, "Yes, no problem" ... and to which our buzzer was rung.

10. We moved. Okay, this wasn't solely to avoid waking our baby, but life sure is nice with a bedroom door and a video monitor.

What crazy things have you done to avoid waking the baby?


Image via Nicole Fabian-Weber

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Evaly... EvalynCarnate

I went through a DONT WAKE BABY phase... but honestly..the more they get used to the sounds the more they'll just sleep through them. I have to hold true to this because I'm about to have a baby in a house with a rambuctious 6 year old girl who loves the Chipettes :-p

nonmember avatar Catnip

Once my little one is done nursing, I do a "ninja " roll off the couch, so I can sit with my hubby without waking her....my son thinks it's hilarious

nonmember avatar Farmers wife

Well that's different. We have a 'no sneaking' policy. Baby sleeps soundly through anything because of it. He is raised in a stable, predictable and honest environment. I feel sad for families that either choose this route or have such a light sleeper they're stuck with it. It must be so hard. Especially to sneak away from your child?! I couldn't do it.... But we're a breast feeding, baby wearing, co sleeping family... Different worlds I suppose.

nonmember avatar NYC Girl Mom

I totally had the "no flushing" rule for awhile in our apartment too lol. As she gets a bit older, youll start making more noise and she will get used to it and sleep more soundly. Everyone parents differently. what you are doing is fine =o)

nonmember avatar Whatever

Farmer's Wife ... well La Ti Da!

nonmember avatar terry77

Lol these were funny! We did the whole super quiet thing with our first and what a mistake!! Could not blink w/o him hearing our eyelids shut and waking up! Oh and the stifling the cough thing, Omg!

nonmember avatar Betsy

Wow, Farmers Wife. That didn't sound judgy and awful at all (please note sarcasm). I always swore being noisy so the baby would be used to it was the way to go, too. Until I had my colicky baby that screamed from 7 to midnight every night. Once she finally slept, you better freaking believe I'd have hurt anybody or anything that woke her up.

nonmember avatar Michelle

This got a chuckle out of me! Especially the flushing the toilet one...been there, done that! Although I don't necessarily think new mothers do this consciously...we are just so damn sleep deprived that ANYONE that wakes that baby is subject to punishment! And honest to god, no matter how many times you tell delivery people NOT TO RING THE DOORBELL, they friggin' do it anyways. GRRRRRR.

nonmember avatar M

@FarmersWife...My baby didn't sleep in a quiet house on purpose...I was a stay at home mom and my husband travels a lot, so when she was sleeping, I was the only other person in the house! She is 3 now and sleeps through thunderstorms so I obviously haven't screwed her up too much. Glad your organic co-sleeping, baby clinging philosophy works for you but it doesn't work for all of us.

carole76 carole76

White noise is a good thing. Have some type of noise while your baby is sleeping is a good thing.

The only thing that I have done to avoid my little ones not to wake is crawled on the floor so they would not hear my feet.

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