pink booties
Are those pink booties I see?
So, you know how before you have kids, you say you're going to do this thing, and definitely not do that thing after the baby's born, because it's so easy to say things when you don't have children? Yeah, well, that totally happened to me! In the months leading up to my daughter's birth, I had inadvertently made a list of things I would never, ever do as a mom. And then I had a baby!

Here are six things I said I'd never do as a mom, but -- well, you know the rest ...

Pink, plastic, and ugly. I'm a visual person. And I don't like ugly things in my vision. So, before my daughter made her debut, I had set up her nursery just so. Everything was crisp, white, and designed for what I envisioned a classy family to be. Cut to three months in, the "crisp" is rapidly declining, and things like gaudy disposable changing pads, and -- gasp! -- a bulky pink swing with flowers are increasing. Turns out, gaudy stuff is convenient. And inexpensive. And, hey, it also turns out that babies like bulky, gaudy, plastic shit. (Thankfully, though, the swing is a loaner and my daughter hates it. Man, I can't wait to get that thing out of sight.)

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I actually considered getting a "Baby on Board" sticker for my car. I haven't done it, but I seriously entertained the thought one day when I was driving from Brooklyn to my father's house in the suburbs. As if a little yellow sign would be the thing that would prevent idiots from driving like idiots.

I've given advice. Unsolicited. When I was pregnant -- and after I first had my baby -- I loathed unsolicited advice. I mean, who asked you anyway? But, I don't know, something inside me has felt compelled to drop the baby knowledge on a few friends who are currently expected as if I were Dr. Sears himself. Completely unprompted. I get it now, though. It's exciting to talk about babies when you just had one. But I'm going to try to shut up.

I've judged. I admit it. I've done the thing I hate more than anything, the thing that, under no circumstances, I was going to do after becoming a mom: I've quietly judged women with babies around my daughter's age in Target and in the supermarket. Why is she talking on her phone so loudly in front of her baby? Is she really going to buy that brand of baby wash? Psh, it's your kid's health ... I know. I suck. And I'm really making an effort to not take part in this obnoxious activity, even if I'm not saying anything out loud. What kind of example is that for my kid?

I've bragged. Truthfully, my husband has actually turned out to be the bigger offender of this than me, but I've definitely partaken, also. I cringed when I heard him tell someone, boastfully, that our daughter was in the 95 percentile for height. On the outside. On the inside, I was all, "That's right we have a tall baby!"

I've posted pictures on Facebook. I've tried to keep them to a minimum, as not to clog people's newsfeeds who could give a shit about babies, but I can't help it. She's just so cute!

What things did/do you do that you swore you never would?

 

Image via handmaidenbymaria/Flickr