Oh, I see how it is.Come next Monday, my 12-week maternity leave is over, and like most things that need handling in my life, I am not handling this impending situation with aplomb. Full disclosure, I'm crapping my proverbial diapers -- which is why I'm writing this here post right now. I'm trying to ease myself into the role of Working Mom ever so gently, as opposed to diving head first into this terrifyingly uncharted territory.
So. It only seems natural that my “practice” blog post would cover this topic. Think of this as a public diary entry, if you will. Except I normally don't make lists like this in my diary. And I don't have time for a diary. Because I'm a Working Mom!
Here are 10 reasons I’m scared to go back to work.
1. I am scared that my baby is going to hate her nanny.
2. I am scared that my baby is going to love her nanny. More than she loves me. I’m already preparing myself for that moment when my daughter frantically outstretches her arms to the nanny when I’m standing right there.
3. I am scared that I will never see The View, The Talk, The Chew, or The Revolution again. How will I know which foods contain the highest amounts of omega-3 fatty acids or which haircut will take 10 years off of my face?
4. I am scared that I am going to miss stuff. Big stuff. Like my daughter’s first crawl, her first laugh, her first steps. What kind of crap mother misses stuff like that? You, Nicole, you!
5. I am scared that my days of taking long, luxurious showers are forever over. Previously a task I dreaded, I created a routine where every day, when my daughter would go down for her “big” nap, I’d take a shower. A good shower. A shower where I’d shave my legs, perhaps indulge in a deep condition. Now that I’m working, there won’t be time for deep conditions or leg shavings. So my legs will be hairy and my hair will be brittle. And my husband will be grossed out by me. And he’ll divorce me. And marry the nanny. Who probably has smooth legs.
6. I am scared that I’m going to be thinking/worrying about my baby the entire time I’m at work, which will obviously make me a terrible worker, and which will obviously get me fired. Then I’ll have no job, and my family and I will be out on the street, eating out of the dumpster near Whole Foods since it, most likely, has the most organic trash in it.
7. I am scared that the nanny isn’t going to be able to get my baby down for a nap the first few days, which will mess up everything!
8. I am scared that, despite her excellent references, the nanny is going to wind up being a completely different person she’s presented herself to be. But I don’t want to be one of those crazy people who sticks a nanny cam inside a stuffed seahorse. So I won’t. And then she'll probably wind up stealing everything in sight. Including my baby. Fantastic.
9. I am scared that as long as I'm working and my child (children?) is, well, a child, I will feel guilty and never fully be present in one place.
10. I am scared that the first week will be tough for my baby, and she’ll be fussy, and the nanny will quit. And then I’ll really be f***ed.
What was it like for you when you went back to work? Help!
Image via Nicole Fabian-Weber