Poor Alanis Morissette is getting some major flak this week after declaring she will be breastfeeding son Ever for, um, ever (oh come on, you were thinking it too). The Ironic singer flamed the fires of the mommy wars when she added her voice to the groundswell of support for attachment parenting in the wake of that awful TIME Magazine cover with one of the dumbest comments yet. Morissette thinks extended breastfeeding will prevent her wee one from having to go into therapy when he's older.
Silly Mommy! Doesn't she know the whole point of parenting is to ensure they have something decent to talk about during their therapy sessions?
I don't honestly care how long Alanis breastfeeds. She can do it until the cows come home. She can stop cold turkey tomorrow. Her kid. Her boobs. Her life.
Got that y'all?
But this therapy thing? Let's take a look at what she said about her feeding schedule:
I think it affords the child, when he grows up, to have a lot less therapy to go to. For me, I protect his safety and his well-being and his attachment. That stage of development is a very important stage.
It is a very important stage of development. However, Alanis' son is now 16 months old. She's still pretty new at this parenting thing, but she oughta know by now that there is no perfect way to raise a kid. The more we try to do everything right, the more we screw up. You've heard of Murphy's law? Yup, it applies to good parenting too.
We can feed 'em all the organic food and buy all the educational toys we want. One day that sweet little darling is going to drop the "f bomb" in front of the local priest or skip an Honor Society meeting to go shave her head (raises hand ... sorry Mom and Dad).
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Speaking from a place a few years ahead of her, I am not in the least bit embarrassed to say that I have provided my child with plenty of fodder for therapy already. There's the time I accidentally hit her in the face with a doorknob. There's every time I have called her by the dog's name instead of hers because come on, who hasn't done that? There's every single time I've used her name online.
I'd go on, but really, do I need to make myself feel even crappier? The kid is fed. She's clothed. She's got a house that's reasonably clean with a mortgage that's promptly paid. She gets to school (usually on time).
And just look at it this way. An estimated 91 percent of Americans will either speak with or suggest a family member speak with a mental health professional. With odds like that, at least we know that we've given them enough to talk about while they're laying on that couch that they won't be wasting their money.
So Alanis can keep breastfeeding or not. But if she keeps stressing herself out trying to prevent Ever from the inevitable, she's going to have some therapy of her own in a few decades!
Come on. Be honest. What do you expect your kid will be talking about in therapy in 20 years?
Image via Pacific Coast News