I love babies. Tiny ones. Plump ones. Squirmy ones. Sleepy ones. When you see a baby, you just can't help it. Something in you lets loose, and you say "awwww."
But then there are the other things you say. You know, the verbal diarrhea that spews out when one wants to express how incredibly adorable a new baby is. It sounds good in the moment, but then you step back and wonder ... wait, did that sound as creepy out loud as it does now that I'm thinking about it?
Yes, yes it did. And just so you don't get caught in the trap, let's discuss the rather bizarre things we tend to say when we see a new baby, shall we?
1. I want to eat her up. Move along Jeffrey Dahmer, move along. (Also in this category: Oooh, he's delicious; She looks good enough to eat ...)
2. Those hands are HUGE. Hold up there Mrs. Robinson, he's still in diapers.
3. I can't believe that head fit! Um yeah, my vagina is ... wait, why are we having this conversation?
4. Oooh, I just want to squeeze him! Ouch.
5. He looks just like the ultrasound! Oh gee, thanks for confirming it. My kid really does look like an alien, huh?
6. She and (name of so and so's son) will make such cute little babies. OK, see, she was just born. Can we not fill her uterus quite yet?
7. OMG, look at the size of his ... Actually, don't. Please. Don't.
8. Can I steal him? You do know baby snatching is illegal, right? Although, if you want to just borrow him to complete diaper-changing duties, this one might be negotiable.
9. I'm so going home and making my husband get me pregnant now. Wow. That is just. Too much information?
10. I can't wait to get my hands on her! Yes, we know what you mean. But remember what your Mom meant when she said, "Just wait until I get my hands on you?" It still haunts us.
What's your go-to line when you see a new baby? Is it a little ... off?
Can't get enough of baby pictures? Look at these cuties all cuddled up trying to sleep ... in some rather wacky positions?
Image by Jeanne Sager