OMG, that picture of your baby is so cuuuuute! And that one! What a darling little outfit! Look at those cheeks! How can you stand it, I just want to eat him up right this minute! I think my ovaries are exploding! I just spontaneously lactated and, and—oh. Oh dear. Um, that photo ... not so much.
The truth is, not every single baby photo is a keeper. Or, more accurately, they're all keepers (who actually bothers to delete anything from their photo libraries, right?), but some are less share-worthy than others.
Here, presented with kindness and just a smidgen of tough love, are three types of baby photos that don't need to make their way to Facebook:
Ha ha ha, it's so HILARIOUS that your baby had a giant blowout while he was in his jumpy chair and now there's a splatter of feces all over the floor and he's stepping in it, haaaaa! Except OH MY GOD THAT ISN'T FUNNY AT ALL. In fact, it's disgusting. Ditto poop leaking from diapers, poop soaking out the butt of a onesie, poop on the changing table, poop floating in the tub, and any and all visual evidence of human excrement—with the sole exception of Baby Poop Face, where what you're seeing is the exertion, not the result.
As mothers, we're exposed to poop every day. We are not delicate flowers who faint at the sight of a bodily fluid. That said, isn't it enough that we have to get up close and personal with our own children's poop? DO NOT FORCE YOUR CHILD'S POOP IN MY EYES.
Judging by the 10 billion photos I've seen of babies joyously cramming spaghetti in their hair, I may be in the minority when I say that an image of a food-covered baby makes me involuntarily lunge for the wet wipes. It's just ... maybe it's an OCD thing, I don't know, but a face smeared from top to bottom with some sort of gelatinous substance—yogurt? Pudding? Who can tell?—isn't remotely cute to me. I know, I know, Junior is just mastering solid food and you want everyone to enjoy his newfound ability to mash wet half-chewed lumps of Mystery Meal into his various facial orifices, but blaaaaaarrggh.
All I can say is I lived the spit-up stage through two children and I didn't think it was adorable then and I sure don't now. That whitish cheesy mess coming out of your baby's mouth? NOT PHOTOGENIC. Thank god Facebook's photo sharing doesn't yet include scratch 'n' sniff is all I can say.
Not that I've alienated everyone by sounding like a total baby Grinch, here are three types of photos I can't get enough of:
BABIES SURREPTITIOUSLY FLIPPING THE BIRD
Because haaaaaaa. Love those.
You know, as long as there isn't poop erupting out of one of the leg-holes.
COMICALLY STARTLED BABIES
Oh yeah. Bring it on, Comically Startled Babies:
What's your take on baby photos—are they cute no matter what, or are some less adorable than others?
Images via Linda Sharps, Flickr/anderoo