Oy. If you became a mother any other way than having a live human man directly impregnate you without any medical intervention, you're going to feel a tad bit irritated when I tell you what someone is saying about you. One writer believes your children are going to suffer. Because only hetero sex (does it also have to be missionary style?) resulting in a live birth will give you well-adjusted kids, according to Elizabeth Marquardt. None of this new-fangled science stuff if you don't want your kids waking up some day and demanding to know their sperm or egg donor.
Because apparently, if you use a surrogate, or donor eggs, or made use of any type of donor in the process, your child is going to grow up and miss his "real" mother. Now you're really pissed, huh?
Based on her study of children conceived through sperm donation, Marquardt makes the argument that children struggle with a parental loss when they don't know their biological father, and this can lead to depression, delinquency, and addiction. She assumes the same with donor eggs, or surrogate moms.
Do you know what else leads to depression, addiction, and delinquency? Divorced parents. Bad parents. Unavailable parents, who still were able to be around long enough to produce an egg and sperm. Also, genetics, trauma, temporary situations of stress, poverty, and more! I can't imagine that the act of fertilization through non-traditional methods has an impact on a child's mental health anywhere close to the negative impact of these other factors.
More from The Stir: The Emotional Side of Egg Donation
Marquardt seems to think children who are born using intervention, where another woman's eggs or body is involved, will always long for this "missing mother." If you've got a real live, in-the-flesh mom or dad in front of you, what are you going to be missing? And to imply that a biological mother is somehow more important than the mother or father who is actually changing your diapers, reading you bedtime stories, and offering you unconditional love is absolutely ridiculous.
Will children conceived in non-traditional ways have questions? Probably. Maybe some won't care, and others will have an insatiable curiosity. Are parents capable of answering these questions? Of course. Can parents offer support if a child feels confused by his conception? They can, and they should, without being told they're setting up their child for delinquency and depression.
How you were conceived is irrelevant -- what parents do once you are outside the womb is what really matters.
Do you think children conceived through egg donation or other non-traditional methods are missing their mothers?
Image via Serge Melki/Flickr
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Comments 57
I didn't read the linked article, but just from reading this post, I don't think this has anything to do with not loving the parents who raised you. I think it's similar to what an adopted child goes through. My husband's father was adopted and he doesn't know much about his biological parents. For him, I think he wants to know who he "is." That's not a slap in the face of the family who adopted him - it's just wanting to know about his genes - does he look like his mom? Did his grandfather have the same smile? Things like that. He was so happy to have children and grandchildren because he finally could see with his own eyes some blood relatives. So, perhaps it is the same thing with these children who were created out of love, but with someone else's sperm or egg. Maybe these kids just want to know about the DNA that created them and where they come from so to speak. Like I said, I didn't read the linked article, so if this researcher said that there shouldn't be sperm or egg donors, well, I don't agree with that at all. I'm just saying that I could see why kids might want to know more or feel sad if the donor was anonymous because that is a part of their heritage that they will never know. It's like a missing puzzle piece that can't be found. Wanting to know about that missing puzzle piece doesn't diminish the love for the real parents - the ones who raised these children.
i think it has to be missionary style and you can't enjoy it.
as for your question, how about doing a study and asking children born outside of the norm(hetero sex, missionary style and not enjoying it).
I don't think it's about missing a parent. Rather a curiosity. And there is nothing wrong w/ that!
Obviously, she has some sort of issue with third party reproduction, but all of her opinions and conclusions are stupid and completely invalid. I know it shouldn't make me mad to read this kind of stuff, but alas it does. Ther are so many things wrong with her article but jut suffice it to say that my kids are happy, healthy, well adjusted, and loved to bits by their mom and dad. And that's what counts.
^^I HEART This!^^
No, and this is why, when my brother was 13, his "real" dad my uncle, went to prison and my parents took him in and raised him. Regardless of what anyone says, that is my BROTHER. We were raised together. It doesn't matter how you were conceived or how old you are when someone takes you in, the people who wipe your tears, love you, an are THERE FOR YOU, are your parents. Sure, I know some kids are going to be curious about their genetics, but their parents will ALWAYS be their parents. Regardless.
Julie, you are way off base. First of all, adopting isn't as easy as walking down to an orphanage and picking out a kid you like. Or leafing through a catalog of cute, parent-less babies and choosing one to come to your home. It's difficult and often very expensive. Second of all, any time you willingly bring a child into your home it's selfish. Period. It doesn't matter if you conceive with your spouse, using a third party, adopt, or find some other means to do it. You're adding a child to your family because you want one. Because having kids will enrich your life and give you purpose and fulfilment, etc. All selfish reasons. Perfectly healthy, normal, non-depression inducing selfish reasons. If all parents to became parents for selfish reasons raised damaged kids then we'd ALL be freakin damaged. And lastly, if using sperm/egg donors "creates orphans who will never know the people responsible for their existence" and thus causes depressed or delinquent kids. Then the TRUE orphans that one would adopt (which you clearly feel is a superior way to bring a child into a home) would be doomed to suffer the same fate, thus making your argument totally worthless.