Gwyneth Paltrow's Gift to Blue Ivy Was Not So Awesome

gwyneth paltrow beyonceOh Goop, you've gone and done it again. Your baby gift to Jay-Z and Beyonce's prodigy, Blue Ivy (TM) is truly amazing: A top of the line Bugaboo Cameleon. It shows what style and class you have, while also allowing you to not-so-subtly brag about how much money you have. Well done! If not a bit too well done, if you know what I'm saying. What I'm saying is this, Gwyn, the Bugaboo was totally obvious.

Instead of going with such a classic, you really should have invested some of your cash into the following baby presents for Blue Ivy.


1. Baby Ferrari Walker

Let Blue Ivy learn how to walk in style. But since it's only $129, you're still going to have to attach a photo of the real one you're getting her once she turns 16.

2. May Lin Collection of Silk Baby Clothes

Nothing says, "I have a boat load of money and don't care if it gets covered in poop and spit-up!" like shelling out hundreds of dollars in silk baby clothes.

3. Ownership of a Planet

Sure you could name a star after Blue Ivy, but any old suburban housewife with $54 could do that for a new baby. Instead, insist on buying an entire planet (or maybe even Pluto, since it's not even really a planet) from NASA and renaming it Blue Ivy. It's a lot better than Uranus.

4. Beyonce's Abs Back

I have all the faith in the world that Goop can transform Beyonce's abs back to their pre-baby splendor with only a cleanse followed by a relaxing bath. As long as she does it Gwyneth-style.

5. An Arranged Marriage with Moses

If you truly want to show the world how committed you are to this celebrity friendship, you will offer up your son for marriage. (Alternately, if you're still on the "lesbian" thing, your daughter.) And Beyonce would be wise to hook up Blue Ivy to make sure those Stefani/Rossdale kids don't come calling. They look like trouble.

What do you think Gwyneth should have gotten Blue Ivy?

Image via Twitter

Read More >