Being a Mom the Second Time Around

Mom Moment 9

My son sat burbling happily in his Exersaucer - the same one I'd spent weeks upon weeks carefully selecting as he rolled this way and that inside me. I'd spent months painstakingly researching each baby item I bought with the same feverish intensity I'd once brought to my Overachieving Scholastic Career. While it might sound like a particularly nefarious torture, I'd never been more blissful.

It wasn't always like this.

Only a few short years before, I was a single 20-year-old due to give birth to my first son, while everyone around me fussed and worried and gnashed their teeth, removing any bits of joy I might have felt. I relied on the kindness of strangers, all thrusting baby accessories at me as they clucked at my burgeoning belly, the pity in their eyes evident. I wasn't sorry about my son. How could I be sorry? The “I'm pregnant,” statement followed by “I'm sorry” both confused and saddened me.

After my baby shower, my then-boyfriend and father of the child I was carrying suggested we take back the few things I'd actually picked out for my new son. We should take them back and buy diapers and formula, he insisted, instead of the crap people had lovingly picked out for our son. I simply looked out the window -- I couldn't believe this was my life.

When my son was 2, I met the man I would marry, and a year after our wedding, I found myself once again pregnant. Only this time, everything was different. I was only a couple years older than my first pregnancy, but this time, people smiled at my growing belly, touching it and wishing the baby and I well. Not a soul said, “I'm sorry,” when I announced my pregnancy.

While my ex and my mother fought over me even as I labored with my first child, the first grandson, and the boy who would forever alter the course of my life, as I labored with his brother, his father and I sat calmly in a quiet dark room, waiting for two to become three. When we did, there were no remarks from the doctors, shocked that I loved my baby. No nurses looked at me as though I was quite possibly the world's stupidest person when I begged for help changing the diaper of a freshly circumcised little boy. To them, I was just another new mom.

It couldn't have been more different the second time around. This time around, I was respected as a mother, my abilities (mostly) unquestioned, my role -- “Mom” -- clearly defined. My second son came home to a house I owned, a room I'd painstakingly furnished, and a family that couldn't have been happier to have him. The very same way I felt about his cherished older brother.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't remember how lucky I am – and how far I've come.

baby first year, siblings, confessions

9 Comments

To add a comment, please log in with

Use Your CafeMom Profile

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Comment As a Guest

Guest comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.

nonmember avatar Jennifer

How touching and how sweet! Even the underlying sadness is a beautifully written truth.

angie... angiea2105

I could have wrote this myself. My experience has been almost the exact same! And how lucky we are and how far we have indeed come :)

Casey Dalbey

I could have written this. My first baby was born when I was 17. I was treated like a stupid little twit. 5 years later my 2nd baby was born to then on again off again boyfriend (now husband) and there was less stigma. add another 4 years for baby #3 and there was no comments or "I'm sorry" everyone was just happy.

criss... crissydancer05

Mine was very similar too. Touching to see others go through the same to

Emily Surdasky

I had two children as a single mom and am now married.  We are trying to get pregnant now, and I can't wait to tell my mom and have her be excited, rather than dissapointed.  I can't think of something more hurtful than the look on her face when I told her I was pregnant with my second child.  I am hoping that when I can announce I am pregnant with my third, that will erase some of the bad memory.

nonmember avatar BRMom

I'm so happy for you! I feel awful that people treated you so terribly with your first baby. You did the right thing and allowed the beautiful life you were blessed with to enter the world! You should have been commended, supported, and loved!!!! What's really important though is that you have blessed your kids by being a great mom! I applaud your courage!

harym... harymarshman

I must have a family that is not the norm. When my sister got pregnant at 18, my mom wasn't happy she was so young but she was excited about the baby. We supported my sister, loved her and supported her. We avoided negativity and I like to think my sister had a good first pregnancy experience despite being young. So now when my 19 year old co-worker and friend got pregnant first thing I did was say yay and give her a hug. I then asked her what I could do to help, and did she need anything. Why would we do anything else for young moms? Doesn't make sense to me, moms in general have it hard enough without us being condescending and mean.

breakmom breakmom

i was 18 when i got pregnant with my daughter. my dad was excited as were my fiance's (now husband) parents, my mom on the other hand gave me the speech about what happened to birth control...etc.

nonmember avatar Ek

I can relate to this...kinda. I only have one baby, so no "second time around"...yet. But I can definitely relate to the "oh, sorry you are preggo" commments. I found out I was pregnant one week after my 21st b-day. At first i was excited...nervous, but happy. But then I started to get the comments on how I was going to miss out on so much of my life, how I was too young, the, "I'm sorry's", blah blah blah...and what is sad is I started to take the comments to heart. I started feeling like I'd made a huge mistake. Before It never even dawned on me to feel like that...but after that I felt like everyone else had a better idea of what my life was supposed to be like. It took me a little bit, but now i realize, i did NOT make a mistake. I haven't "missed out" on my life...this IS my life. My fiance and I are so happy, our daughter is healthy, smart, beautiful, and loving...and you know what? i wouldn't trade it for the world...even if i could "go back" to being a carefree 20 year old who didn't have to go to the store with a tantrum throwing 1 1/2 year old and who could sleep in on the weekends, I wouldn't. I would never tell anyone its a mistake, and I would be happy for them. I have been contemplating another baby for sometime now...and I hope this next time around its a better experience i"m met with a better attitude and joy from those around me.

1-9 of 9 comments