Whenever there is an article about breastfeeding, there are comments from moms about formula. Very negative comments. And vice versa. We have to all remember that words can be like daggers, especially to a new mom doing all she can to be the best mom she can be. I've said the phrase "breast is best," and while I do believe that to be true, it's not true all of the time. Maybe it's 100 percent true for you all the time, but not everyone is the same, not everyone has the same life, and we should all be mindful of those who do things differently than us. We should also realize that while some of the comments make it seem like formula feeding moms are lazy women who don't care about what goes into their baby's body (and that's just wrong), others are just commenting to encourage women to try breastfeeding.
The point is that It's not always what we say, it's how we say it. There are so many moms who have to formula feed their baby. And they are amazing mothers doing what is best.
Let's not make this about formula. I think we all agree that formula should be safe and healthy for baby. And we should do all we can to make sure it is, including preparing it properly. What this is about is supporting all moms who are doing the best for baby. And if the best is formula feeding, those women deserve support, too. The guilt many moms feel for not being able to breastfeed at all or exclusively is very hard to deal with -- and the hurtful comments from other moms who can breastfeed make an already stressful situation worse.
I breastfed my twins. But during that first year, I also needed formula to supplement my low supply and the fact that when I went back to work, my production went down even when pumping all I could. I've said in the past formula feeders love their babies just as much as breastfeeders love their babies. Many women must choose formula -- for many reasons. And you can't say it's easy to get donated breast milk for an entire year. It just isn't. Those resources aren't available to everyone. Some people go so far as to say how mothers who formula feed are harming their babies. And that is divisive and counter-productive even for lactivists.
How would you feel if you weren't succeeding at something you really wanted to do and then people who were successful at it were telling you how terrible a person you are for not succeeding? That's what it can be like.
This topic was brought up to me from a reader named Julia. She emailed me saying how she couldn't wait to have her baby girl and planned to breastfeed her until she was ready to stop. But her milk didn't come in. So she worked on that. Baby had a great latch and she tried to nurse sometimes 20 hours of the day for the first few weeks to get production going. She looked to a lactation consultant for advice and guidance. She pumped up to 10 times a day and used a supplemental nursing system (SNS) to give her baby breastmilk. Sometimes she would spend an hour pumping and only got under an ounce. She spent over $500 trying to do something that should be "natural." She didn't want to give up and give in to formula -- she wanted her baby to be exclusively breastfed, but her baby's weight got too low.
She was devastated that despite all her efforts, it wasn't enough. Her baby is now 5 months old and is completely on formula. It's not the outcome Julia wanted.
Even Julia admits that she used to judge moms who bottle fed. But now she knows that you can never know what another mother has been through. Every woman's story is different. Every woman's challenges are her own. Julia told me, "It hurts my soul to see people bash formula, as if it will kill my baby. It saved her life. She is thriving now. From this experience I know that there are lots of moms in my shoes.
Julia inspired me to write this. I know firsthand exactly how she feels. Yes, my story is different but those feeling of inadequacy are there. The jealousy of women who could nurse are sadly there. The guilt. It's all there because we want to give our babies the best -- it's our instinct as mothers. But sometimes our plans change without us wanting them to and we have to make the best out of the situation we are given. Julia was falling into a depression because of her issues breastfeeding -- she wasn't enjoying her baby, her new motherhood. She told me that bottle feeding allowed her to feel human again and to bond with her baby. That is a mother doing what is best. Like so many moms who formula feed do as well. I hope we can all support all moms who are trying to do the best they can with their situation, and not judge or rush to assumptions or bash those whose situation is different than our own.
Speak (or comment) with kindness -- we shouldn't be against one another when we are all trying to do our best.
Have you felt unfairly judged for having to formula feed your child? What kind words can you share to help other moms understand?
Image via nerissa's ring/Flickr
This Hot Dad Wants to Do Your Ironing
KStew Refuses to Shower
This Hot Dad Wants to Cook You Dinner
This Hot Dad Cooks AND Does the Dishes
Comments 119
I think that based on my past, when I ff, I felt guilty for not making it work. So, a lot of moms will hear other moms say that breastmilk is what is best for babies, or what our babies are supposed to eat....they will feel guilty for what they either chose to do or had to do, and they get defensive.
I've done both in my time, and I understand both sides. But its not necessary for every formula feeding mom to get so defensive. Sometimes, someone else is making a statement and its not aimed at making a formula feeding mom feel guilty. Nobody can make you feel guilty for your decisions but you.
I know that it just took time for my guilt to subside. I never freaked out when someone said breast is best around me. I don't get that.
I just had my little boy 2 weeks ago and before he was born I swore I would never use formula, well it turns out I have a low milk supply and wasnt able to do it, so I breastfeed my lil guy till he gets restless and then i give him formula. That way I actually have the best of both worlds! Its one of those things that if you need to use it, you do!
I gave up breast feeding my second child in favor of formula feeding. I had supply but he had high demand. I could have made it work but I was dealing with previously undiagnosed PPD issues and sleep deprivation. I was dealing with a pediatrician who was opposed to co-sleeping and honestly, not in favor of breast feeding given my past experience. I had babies 18mo apart and was still reeling from DS1 being failure to thrive and being diagnosed with food allergies. I needed an ingredient list that I could read and trust. I needed someone else to be able to get up and feed him in the middle of the night so that I could get some sleep and be able to achieve the bare minimum amount of sleep to function with huge depression issues. So yes, I am selfish. I knew breast was best but I chose formula and as a result, I have three thriving children. Yes, I formula fed my youngest child because I was on medicine that was not tested adequately to be used with breastfeeding but it was life saving medication for me because after my daughter was born, I had a stroke and heart failure.
No one here knows why people choose formula over breast, many of us have our reasons (and yes, I fully believe that the lack of extended paid post partum leave is a huge part of it). But we are doing what is best for our children. And before you shoot that dirty look at the woman feeding her child a bottle, do you know if it is formula or breastmilk?
I will fight for your right to breastfeed where ever, for however long you want, covered or uncovered, etc because I believe it is a wondeful thing. I just ask that you support my use of formula without judgement in return. We both want what is best for our kids.
Would you rather sit in judgement of a woman who let their baby starve because people villified formula feeding so much that she felt too guilty to use it?
thank you, I had a c-section, after the sugery i went to sleep I couldnt have breastfed while asleep especially with all those drugs in me, and then I needed to take pain killers. my son loves his soy formula, i had such a difficult time finding the right formula, he spit up so much i didnt know if he had a lactose sensitivity or not but turns out hes just a big spit up baby but he got use to the soy, im not a lazy mom, babies cant talk and all i want is my baby to feel as comfortable as possible, not have bad things that i put in my body and not have tummy aches from lactose formula
OneAllergicMama- why is your pediatrician against co-sleeping? when i told mine i was doing that she was fine with it and said people have done it since the beginning of time. It makes my son more comfortable and sleep great, he sleeps until 6 in the morning when daddy gets up for work and sleeps in on weekends with us lol he slept through the whole not at about a month, maybe less because he was comfortable with mommy and daddy
I had a pediatrician at the time that was against co-sleeping for fear of SIDS (I did further research to learn how to do it correctly). Basically he is a by the book child raiser who believes in CIO, babies in cribs, formula is better than breast (which he continued to rail against me given that my oldest was diagnosed as failure to thrive which had little to do with supply, he had undiagnosed allergies which thankfully my mommy gut fought to find out despite his thoughts that kids don't develop food allergies until the age of 2). Basically he was a tool and we no longer see him (though he is still in the same practice of drs that we see).