If you think your baby sleeps through the night, I hate to break it to you, but you're wrong. Unless you've spent an eight-hour stretch looking at your kid and baby didn't wake up once. (Nobody does that, right?) Babies wake up. Some cry. They may self-soothe themselves back to sleep unless they have a diaper or are hungry. But if they cry and you let them cry, it's a bad idea.
Besides the emotional, mental, and physical issues it can give your baby, crying it out doesn't really work in the long run. And we all know babies aren't a short run kind of deal. They are with us for life. What we do or don't do now can screw them up for the rest of our eternity, so why not suck it up and get it right at the start?
I'm all fueled up talking about CIO after reading a super smart post by mom Sarah Ockwell-Smith on her blog Baby Calm. She calls it "controlled crying" and while I think that does sound slightly less harsh than crying it out, she (like me) believes it's a dangerous thing.
So many of us think that by letting our kids wail their lungs out, they are doing them a service. These parents must have stock in the ear plug business, have soundproof rooms, or live in the West Wing of the house while the baby sleeps in the East. Controlled crying is about as good of a service as prostitution. It may be satisfying once you get the hang out it, but you'll have to live with the guilt and repercussions forever.
(Special note: I do not condone prostitution. And no, it's not really like hooker-dom. But both are bad, so maybe kind of it is.)
Crying is crying is crying. It's only a good cry when you are purging tears over a guy who dumped you and you stop the waterworks when you realize you are better off without him. Babies don't have that kind of life yet, so good cries just don't exist. On that super smart blog Baby Calm I was telling you about, Sarah reminds us that waking up in the night is good for your baby. Yep, good! Necessary! We've talking about how everything you think you know about sleeping through the night is wrong and this brings it home. Waking up is vital -- it can protect your child from SIDS, keeps them eating when they need to eat, and regulates their body. The dangers of crying it out are well documented. Yet many still do it because they think it works. Sarah reminds smug parents who boast how their kid cried it out for a little while and then wham-o they had a perfect sleeping baby that they may be in for trouble in the near future. It can lead to your child feeling helpless, and therefore have poor mental, emotional, as well as physical health. Stress is bad. BAD bad. It sends people to early graves. Why practice controlled crying when all it does is stress out your baby and you in the process? And your sleep trained child could return to nighttime wakings when around 9 to 12 months old. So. Not. Worth. It.
So what should a tired parent do?
Stick it out. I know it's tough. I have twins. Sleep is rare. But you can do it! Be by your baby's side when she needs you. You won't be up every three hours for the rest of your life ... until he or she is a teenager and out with the family car and it's past curfew. Your baby will grow and sleep patterns will change. And in the meantime, if you've been up all night because your baby needed you and cried a lot, you can have a cup (or three) of coffee and get through it the next day. Or tea if you prefer. Which is something your baby can't do (can you imagine coffee in a sippy cup or the stains from spitting up!?). Letting your baby cry it out gives your baby the worst night sleep ever. Remember the last time you cried yourself to sleep? Next day: Headache. Puffy eyes. Bad news. Your baby doesn't need that. And you love your baby too much.
Do you still believe in sleep training? What changes would you make to your child's sleep patterns? How do you cope with your own sleepless nights because of baby's wake-ups?
Image via Chalky Lives/Flickr
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Comments 133
My baby has slept through the night since 1 month her bedtime is 11pm and she wakes up from 8-10am. She sleeps solid, I never hear a peep out of her. She may stir in her sleep but never cries. I go to bed after her and get up before her for work. It's been a blessing.
My son sleep trained me! I slept when he slept, even if it was for ten minutes on the couch before he woke up from his breif daytime nap, and yes, I woke up at least 3 times a night for his forst year, even after he stopped waking up, because it took me longer to adapt to his changes in sleep then it took for him to change them! I never could do, and have a hard time understanding how others can, use the let them cry method. Until my son was about a year old, every peep made by him woke me up. And as for crying? Well, that made me literally have a driving need to get to my baby and fix it! Im talking an urge stronger then the need to use the restroom after an eight hour car drive. Swear to god, I used to have an itch to slap people and grab my baby if he started crying in their arms and they didn't immediatly hand him to me! I couldn't "let him cry", and until he was close to a year, his every cry id this to me. After a year, he developed other cries (and yes, they sounded different) that meant things like, I'm bored, or "I rolled into an uncomfortable position while sleeping, but I'm about to nod off again".
I was not blessed with a baby who slept well, or a husband/father who would help when I was exhausted. But both my son and I made it, and I am catching up on sleep now, as he sleeps great, late, and always wakes up sunshiney happy! Oh, and he lets me nap during hte day if I let him play games on his learning system or put on a kids movie :) YAY!
I like this article because it seems heartfelt and not just another CIO bashing article. Personally I do not agree with the CIO method and here is one of the reasons why:
My sister has a video monitor on my niece's crib and even at 6 months old I saw that when she would start crying she would prop herself up and look at the door waiting. Of course mommy or daddy would then go comfort her back to sleep but I couldn't imagine crying and needing something and just waiting forever for someone to come comfort you and it never happens. She won't be a baby forever.
I think it's easy to say all of this, but the reality of many people's situations means their baby has to cry it out... at least sometimes, for their own sanity. Being tired and having three cups of coffee a couple of mornings might work, but after 2 weeks of not sleeping for longer than 45 minutes at a time...a mom is going to be stressed, impatient and miserable. Her best option might be to let that baby cry at night, so that she can function as a parent the next day.
I also think it depends on the situation. I don't think all sleep training is bad. If a parent is expecting their three month old to sleep through the night without a feeding or diaper change or some kind of comforting, and they let their child cry all night long...that's bad news. A parent letting their 10 month old who refuses to be put down to sleep on her own cry for the 10-15 minutes it takes her to fall asleep...I think that's acceptable. Or, to let a baby cry for a few minutes to see if they will fall back asleep on their own, also acceptable.
I too have twins and I don't like the cry it out either, but they do cry more because there's two of them and only one of me, and sometimes one won't take a pacifier until I can change their diaper because I'm changing the other one.
Okay when we say our babies sleep through the night we don't mean they never move a muscle or wake for a second. We mean they don't need anything during the night, they may wake, roll over whatever but they don't cry. We mean we didn't have to get up with them. And my TWINS have been sleeping through the night since they were 2.5 months old.
As far as crying it out, well I don't think you should just let the baby cry cause your tired. The right way to do it is to make sure baby has everything he/she needs. You've tried to feed her, you've changed her diaper, she isn't sick, etc. she is safe and healthy but still crying. Thats when you can let her cry it out. If you pick up a baby every time they cry and hold them you will never get a moment to yourself.