When my first child was an infant, sleep did not always come easily for him (or, as a result, for me or my husband). Some nights our son would conk out on his own and stay asleep through the night (though I'd still wake up to check on him). Other nights, it didn't matter what we tried, our baby wouldn't go to sleep until he was good and ready, and it was impossible to predict when (and how) that time would come.
Many people suggested that we let our son "cry it out" in his crib. "Have you tried 'Ferberizing' him?" they'd say, referring to the methods of Dr. Richard Ferber, a pediatrician who recommends parents let children fall asleep by themselves at bedtime -- even if that means allowing them to cry for extended periods of time -- in order to train them to be self-sufficient. "Ferberizing," such an ugly term. Machine-like. Cold.
My husband and I made a few half-hearted efforts at not responding right away to our baby's cries at night. But we could never really hold out for long. After a minute or two, if our son was still howling, we were by his side or he was in our arms. (Who could sleep through that racket, anyway?) Letting him howl for minutes or even hours on end? Even as every fiber of my being felt drawn to respond, to hold him, shush him, bounce him, and rock him? That just felt like a primal wrong to me.
Ferber's methods have long been controversial (he himself has softened his stance), but now they're being labeled downright dangerous. According to University of Notre Dame psychology professor Darcia Narvaez, research has shown that "letting babies get distressed is a practice that can damage children and their relational capacities in many ways for the long term." What's more, she writes in Psychology Today, "Giving babies what they need leads to greater independence later."
Narvaez maintains that babies cry for a reason and suggests that, when parents don't respond to their infant's cries, it can, among other things, negatively affect the baby's brain development, lead to neural and digestive disorders, keep them from being able to self-regulate and self-comfort, and even "stop growing, stop feeling, stop trusting."
Ugh. This must be terribly frightening news for the many parents who have relied upon (and in many cases, sworn by) the "cry it out" method of sleep training. Even I, with my few random half-hearted attempts at not responding to my infant's nighttime cries, feel a little unsettled. Have I irreparably damaged my child in some way? It makes you realize that, at the end of the day, we really have to trust our own instincts as parents. If an expert's advice doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.
Did you try "cry it out" sleep training with your child?
Image via Chalky Lives/Flickr
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Comments 119
No. I have been super blessed that my baby has slept thru the night since 1 month old. Nap time however is different as during the day she fights it. I hate hearing my boo cry and could never leave her alone, helpless. Babies dont understand youre right there in the next room and that is prob so scary for them.
No one is advocating for letting a baby scream for hours on end, but there does come a time when fussying means they are tired and need sleep and for some kids that means a quiet room with no distractions. And there is a time when you out them to bed, crying or not. Some parents jump to meet every need for their child no matter their age at bedtime and this is when there are sleep issues. This article makes it sound like it is never okay for a baby to fuss for a few minutes while the parents finish a load of laundry or wake themselves up in the morning and it is okay. Additionally, there is no mention of children with colic or acid reflux, in which a baby will cry and cry and cry. I know my youngest had both and sometimes I just needed to set her down for a moment or two to tend to my or my other children's needs and that is also okay! I have four children who sleep beautifully at night and have since they were under 3 months old because I used the tried and true method of taking care of their needs, snuggling for a few minutes and then placing them in their beds. They never screamed for hours, they never fussed for more than a few minutes and then they slept. If you want to co-sleep or snuggle them to sleep every night then great, but bashing others who don't believe like you do is getting old.
I did it with my son, but not the extreme that they are listing here. At 3 months of age, my son started sleeping in his own room. I would put him in his room while hew as tired but awake...if he fussed, I let him fuss, but only for about 15 minutes...after that there is something wrong that needs to be met...but I laid him down fed, diapered, warm, music in the room, lights down. He was one comfy baby. The first few days were the worst, but after that.....we have a great night sleeper on our hands :)...and to this day he doesn't know he can even fall asleep in our bed :P
cio is abuse, plain and simple...for the idiots out there who don't get that, try googling "stress hormones in babies" and their effects....come on people...the more you coddle, the happier , more well behaved, calmer, well rested, independent, and all around easier they are to deal with. Try googling "attachment parenting" or "kangaroo care"...this information is out there, everywhere, you just need to reach out and grab a hold of it....
Babies don't get spoiled. They don't sleep through the night because of the issues I have mentioned above. Could you imagine being tiny, helpless and alone and havin no one there to comfort you??
Once and I never did it again.