Bella Breaking Dawn labor childbirthBella in the delivery roomIt took me quite awhile to "get over" my first childbirth experience. The birth wasn't perfect (whatever that would look like), but everything turned out well in the end. Both my son and I made it through like champs and without any super-scary complications or health worries. However, the birth experience was still a lot to process, as nothing can really prepare you for that "undertaking" (to put it nicely) physically or emotionally. But that's where Breaking Dawn comes in handy. That's right. I'm talking about the Twilight book and much-anticipated movie that opens this Friday.

If you're still trying to "get over" your childbirth experience, Breaking Dawn can totally help! Once you hear the details of the main character Bella's horrifying birth story, you will more than likely thank your lucky stars for the human birth experience you had (and if yours was worse, get thee to a professional therapist right way -- you poor, poor woman).

WARNING: SPOILERS!!!

1. In the Breaking Dawn, Part 1 trailer, Edward exclaims to Bella, "It's crushing you from the inside out!" Now, although it felt like it at times -- especially toward the end -- my babies weren't ACTUALLY crushing me from the inside out. Sure, I had to hold an ice cube on my stomach for the entire last week of my first pregnancy because it felt like my unborn child had a tiny blow torch in there, but alas, my baby wasn't REALLY killing me. Thank goodness.

2. My doctor, midwife, husband, and birth coaches were NOT vampires. For a woman in labor, having blood-sucking vampires in the vicinity would really add to the labor room stresses. Add in a werewolf who hates vampires and the half-vampire baby you're trying to push out, and dang, that's definitely not the setup for a positive birthing experience.

3. Bella's chilling description in Breaking Dawn of laboring with her half-vampire baby certainly rings true of my labor experience:

Reality was red, and it felt like I was being sawed in half, hit by a bus, punched by a prize fighter, trampled by bulls, and submerged in acid, all at the same time. Reality was feeling my body twist and flip when I couldn’t possibly move because of the pain. Reality was knowing there was something so much more important than all this torture, and not being able to remember what it was. Reality had come on so fast.

Word, Bella. Word. Man, did Twilight Saga author Stephenie Meyer record those words right out of my laboring mind several years back or what? Of course, the laboring finale for Bella is much, much worse (see #5), so she still wins the Most Jacked Up Birth Story Award.

4. In no way did I have to give my husband shared and equal credit for enduring the pain of childbirth. Can you imagine? In Breaking Dawn, Bella says:

I knew Edward would be doing everything he could. He would not give up. Neither would I.

Wow, it's amazing she could even stop and worry about her husband during her horrific childbirth. She should have been strangling his pale and twinkling throat, saying, "Edward, you did this to me!!!"

In the case of my husband, sitting on the sidelines and grimacing and wincing while eating my entire roll of butter-rum Lifesavers and breathing their suddenly-awful scent at me wasn't my idea of "doing everything" or NOT giving up. My idea of "doing everything" would mean he'd have to be delivering his own baby alongside me. Sorry, dear (but still totally glad you were there!).

5. Thankfully, I had both my kids the old-fashioned (vaginal) way, and neither time was my husband forced to CHEW the baby out of my womb (good thing cause his mouth was very busy savoring those buttery Lifesavers).

In Breaking Dawn, Jacob describes the moment of truth when Edward has to do the unthinkable to get the baby out of Bella's stomach.

The next sound jolted through me, unexpected, terrifying. Like metal being shredded apart. The sound brought back the fight in the clearing so many months ago, the tearing sound of the newborns being ripped apart. I glanced over to see Edward's face pressed against the bulge. Vampire teeth -- surefire way to cut through vampire skin.

Um, yikes! {{(Shudder}}}

Thank god, I'm a human. Thank god, my husband is human. Thank god, I had human babies. Thank god. Thank god.

6. I may have turned into a temporary zombie due to sleep deprivation in the weeks after I gave birth; at least I did not have to turn into a vampire, which is like forEVER. Poor Bella. You are so dang lucky you are not real.

Hey, wait a minute ... she's not even real!!! Give me back that Most Jacked Up Birth Story Award. You gotta be real to earn that mutha. Hmmph.

Does Bella's half-vampire birth story make you appreciate your human birth story?

 

Image via Summit Entertainment