Why Do the Best Baby Products Have the Worst Names?

Soothies I try to be taken seriously: After all, working and breastfeeding moms face a host of biases, and I’m fighting on all fronts. You know what doesn't help? When I have to resort to baby-talk just to mention the name of my favorite baby products!

Some products are just dumb, and I don’t have to talk about them. (I’m looking at you, Peepee Teepee for the Sprinkling WeeWee. Nobody ever heard of a washcloth?)

But there are items that are absolutely great, and I can’t do without them. Yet, when I have to talk about them, I feel like I’m reciting some kind of D-list nursery rhyme. And you know, I get it: We’re talking about motherhood, which does involve babies, and I do like the idea of cute, original, and sometimes irreverent names. I just think sometimes it goes way too far!

See if you agree with me.


Baby Boppy and Breast Friend: The “Boppy” is actually a fine nickname. I mean, it’s not like you’re going to call out to your husband and say, “Darling, could you bring me the nursing-support pillow?” But do we really need to take it the step further and call it a "Breast Friend"? Besides the fact that it’s impossible to say if you’re sleep-deprived (Try it five times fast! Faster!), it feels icky to say. I’d rather call it a "Bosom Buddy."

Soothies: Do they work? Darn tootin, they do. Cool, silicone pads for your chafed nipples are just the greatest when you need them. But “soothies” sounds too much like “pasties” for my taste. Come on, you know you thought the same thing. (First one to open an Etsy shop for Soothies with tassels on them wins!)

Snoogle: I gave my old pregnancy pillows to my friend, Alicia, who was totally miserable in her final phases of pregnancy. “They’re not gonna help,” she informed me. “Nothing helps.” The next morning, a text from her lit up my phone: “OMG I slept! My knees don’t hurt! Thank you!” They may annoy us with their bed-hogging ways, but there’s no denying these huge bolsters are a Godsend. So why do we have to give them names that sound like an elephant’s snot?

Jumperoo and Exersaucer: Again, enough with the tongue-twisters and cutesy-poo names. In my day (#oldcodger), we just called it a “baby-jumper” and we were done with it. As for the Excersaucer, due to the look of concentration and focus on Penelope’s face when she was in it, we ended up calling it “the office,” which is still how we refer to it. Better than my friend Cindy, who called it “the neglecto-swing” and “baby jail.”

Kiddopotamus: Can I tell you how many times I went to a store and wanted to get the very particular tight, Velcro-enhanced swaddle with the little faces on it, and tried to describe it to the salespeople in my sleep-deprived state, and ended up wandering back out into the sunshine, feeling like a dolt? I can’t, because it was too many. I can neither remember nor pronounce the word “kiddopotamus.”

Hooter Hiders and Udder Covers: I want to cry every time I hear either of these names. I don't care how cute they are. Udder covers! I already feel like a cow, you mean girls!

Haba Salto Oompa Toys: Come on. Just cut it out.

Do you get annoyed by cutesy baby-product names? What’s your pet peeviest one?

Image via Lansinoh.com

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