New Mom Secret: My Baby Makes Me Feel Guilty About My Abortion


It's hard being a new mom (or even an experienced mom to a new baby) and sometimes we do things we know we shouldn't, despite what all the experts say. But this is a safe place to share your secrets (PM me)—we'll never tell.

This Week's Secret:

Ten years ago, when I was 17, I had an abortion. I had just been accepted at a good university, was working hard to earn money to afford it, and had just broken up with my boyfriend. It was a horrible time to have a baby. So my mother took me to the clinic. I know it was the right thing to do. I have since finished college and graduate school. I have a great career and married a man with a great career, and we have plenty of money, a beautiful home, and now have a daughter who is 2 months old. But I can't stop thinking about my first pregnancy. What might she (I assume it was a she) have looked like? She would be 10 now. It's affecting my ability to bond with the baby who is here. -- Anonymous

This doesn't make you a bad mom. It makes you a good one. You have now been pregnant twice, one of which came at the right time and the right place in your life and the other didn't. We make all of our decisions with what we have with us at the time. And at the time, it sounds like you made the right choice.

You have no way of knowing if you had gone through with the pregnancy what might have happened. You might never have finished school. You might not have had a career, though you probably would have had a job. You may not have met your husband. It's the same for all the choices we make in our life, both minor and major.

Thinking about the abortion doesn't make you weird or crazy. Nor does it mean you made the wrong choice. You are where you are now because of all the decisions you made, and to me, it sounds like you're in a place to offer a real, stable home to a child.

I would recommend you talk to someone, though. It sounds like a therapist might be able to help you work through some of these feelings.

Do you have any advice for this mom?


Image via Pattybot/Flickr

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BlueM... BlueMeadow

Maritnez, never forget that God can forgive anything when we approach Him with a heart of repentence. How about, instead of condemning her, we pray that she grasp His grace and know that her sins can be washed away by His mighty love. Love covers a multitude of sins. How about you show her a bit of that too please. She is already need to kick her while shes down.

FourK... FourKidsSoFar

I was 19 and in my first year of college the first time I got pregnant and decided at the last minute to cancel my scheduled abortion. There are times when I think about how my life would've been different if I hadn't had a child to care for while completing school. I wouldn't trade my son for anything, but no matter what decision you make there will always be that "what if?" I gave up a lot to make things work (studying abroad, great job opportunities, internships, etc...). Since I have never had an abortion I can't say I know what this mom is feeling but I would also suggest that she talk to someone who can help her come to terms with her feelings. I know there are pregnancy centers in my area that have peer counselors that have gone through with abortions and have dealt with the same feelings of guilt.

Mama2... Mama2MonkeyBoys

This decision is never easy, and the aftermath is always heartbreaking. Just remember that you knew this was the right decision for you at that time, and your life would not be what it is had you not made that decision. Now, you are able to provide a better life for the daughter you do have. Find peace in that, and cherish her all the more for it.

xavie... xavierlogan09

why didn't you consider adoption? killing a baby isn't the right thing to do. you could have given you child up for adoption. there are millions of single mothers who raise children while in college. my cousin got pregnant at 18. she went to college. the father wanted nothing to do with her baby. it can be done. 

sunny... sunnybunny5us

People don't  just  have abortions to not have a baby they have them to stop being PREGNANT.

WifeA... WifeAndMother2

I can relate to your story. When I was nineteen I got married to what seemed to be an amazing man. He was great with my two year old and so loving. But once we got married he completely changed. He started abusing me and treating me like garbage! He never layed a hand on my child, but he did a number on me. I left him and within nine weeks I found out I was pregnant. When I confronted him he told me to go to hell and take the baby with me. I chose to have an abortion because I couldn't support another baby and didn't want that baby to go through what I did if it's father decided to try and fight for custody. A month after the abortion I started seeing a guy I had known for over a year and we just clicked. Then a month after that I became pregnant even with protection being used. The way I see it, god knew that the baby I gave up either would have not made it, or wasn't ment to be in this world right now. But he made it clear that my now three week old daughter was ment to be here now! I feel guilty though....

nonmember avatar jb

Having an abortion doesn't make you Unpregnant, it just makes you the mother of a dead baby. Adoption would have been the best option for both of the people involved( you and baby) but maybe now you can counsel other women in the same situation, that maybe abortion was the wrong choice as you wouldn't have loved your first baby any less than you do the baby you have now.

turna... turnandburn04

Having an abortion doesn't make you Unpregnant, it just makes you the mother of a dead baby. Hopefully, you do see that adoption would have been an option, and maybe now you can help other women in your previous situation see that there may be a better option for both people involved (mom and baby). You feel the way you do because I think you know that you wouldn't have loved your first baby any less than the one you have now, because you have been a mother for 10 years now. I don't feel like my life or my career path is ever more important than the life of another human being, I would happily lay down my own life for both of my childrens lives, without question!

hutch... hutchfam2007

I think it is a very normal thing you are feeling. When you were younger and went to the clinic, you didnt fully understand the depth of motherhood and a mothers love. Now you are feeling that love for your baby and feel guilty that you were never able to project that love onto your other child. What you are feeling now is the grieving for the loss of a child you gave up. Im sure this is very common among BOTH abortion and adoption and you would be having these feelings whether you chose adoption or not, unlike the obvious pro-lifers on here, which are giving their opinoin of abortion not of your particular situation, so just ignor them! All I can say is feel peace that you made your decision and your life was better for it. Just know that your choice was right for YOUR LIFE! And now you have an amazing gift to care for. Love her all you can and dont let your guilt get in the way. It is because of your decisions that you are where you are now.

BeLLa... BeLLasNewMoMmy


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