I Don’t Need Breastfeeding as a Boob-Flashing Excuse

baby nursingThere are some things I know I can count on in life. Spring brings the swallows to Capistrano. October brings the heady joy of dramatic television events during fall sweeps week. Weekend with the step-kids means a new crop of fart jokes. And any discussion of nursing in public heralds the arrival of commenters who say, “You’re just looking for an excuse to flash your boobs in public.”

It’s time to take down this myth once and for all.


First of all, let’s just get one thing straight: I didn’t need to get pregnant, bear children, and choose breastfeeding in order to have an excuse to flash my breasts in public. I live in a city that has a huge turnout for Naked Cycling Day. (I know, right? I have no idea.) I had breasts for nearly 30 years before I started breastfeeding. Trust me, if I wanted you to see my breasts, you would see them.

Second, quick quiz: If you were the sort to get a charge out of engineering artificial nipple-slips, would you do this (a) when your breasts were high and pert, or (b) when your breasts were riddled with blue veins and had begun their inevitable southern migration? I mean, logically, can’t we agree that even if I were going to get off on this very non-sexual act, the way breasts look when we’re nursing just wouldn’t get the job done? (Not that they’re ugly -- but this is the moment when we realize they’re not sexual.)
Thirdly, another quick quiz: What’s grosser, a naked breast or an old person eating? (Don’t get mad at me -- you know it’s true!) Well, old people have the right to eat in public, right? It’s your problem if you don’t like to look at it -- you have to deal with it. Guess what. Hippies have the right to wear ugly tie-dye, cat-people have the right to wear bedazzled t-shirts, and babies also have the right to eat in public.
In other words, don’t be a hater. It’s just a breast: it won’t bite. (The baby, on the other hand, might -- so please don’t mess with me.)
What do you say to people who say you’re a perv for nursing in public?

Image via © iStock.com/IvanJekic

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