Babies Are Tiny, Scary Freakshows

Linda Sharps

I can't help but notice that most of the baby-centric articles here on The Stir seem to be, generally speaking, in favor of babies. Talking about how cute and sweet and lovable they are, as if this wasn't all part of the babies' master plan.

Of course they're cute. They have to be, because as it's been noted time and time again, if babies looked like wolf spiders, we wouldn't put up with all that crying-and-barfing nonsense for one hot second. They'd start screaming and we'd be like, dude, I gave you a chance. Off to the woods with you, fifty-eyes.

As for whether or not they're sweet and lovable, well, okay. Maybe a little bit, like when they do that thing where they reach out a tiny dimpled starfish hand to grip your finger. Fine, babies, I will admit that's sort of charming. But I'm far more inclined to describe babies—small and squishy though they may be—as the most terrifying creatures on earth.

First of all, they make no sense. Do you see the photo up there at the top of this post? That is my very own child as an infant, just lying there screaming his fool head off because I dared to submit him to tummy time. It's like he didn't even understand it was for his own good. Plus, who hates teddy bears? Scary insane people who make no damn sense, that's who.

Also, they seem to be custom-designed to self-destruct. They don't know to sleep when they're tired, they're constantly trying to roll off things and crack their skulls, and if you drop them in a pool of water (note: most pediatricians do not recommend this), they will totally sink. Not only that, they're always doing frightening things like breathing in weird snorfles or crying for no reason (or IS there a reason?? Hey let's check WebMD OH GOD NOOOO) or randomly spewing the contents of their stomach directly into your nostrils. And like their tiny unprotected bodies aren't nerve-wracking enough, what with the delicate limbs and oozy bellybutton and all, they have to have that unspeakably intimidating soft part of their skull? If I accidentally touch it, will my baby suck at math? GAH.

Basically, they're freakishly dependent and more than a little gross and they do NOTHING to help you keep them alive. Come on, babies, get your act together—for god's sake, even Bambi could walk on the first day.

I suspect they're more purposefully diabolical than they appear, too. Have you noticed that they seem to be helpless, but they can eject feces from their bodies with the force and deliberate aim of a Cherokee blowgun? Is it really an accident that Junior pooped a yellow river of horror down his leg-hole as soon as you put on a clean shirt? Think again.

Basically, being in charge of a baby is like SEAL training hell week, where you're barraged with a deranged series of physical tasks, someone is screaming in your face 24/7, the conditions are harsh and unforgiving, and you must battle your deepest fears to make it through alive. Are babies cute? Sure. Harrowing, formidable, and occasionally downright petrifying? Absolutely.

Are you with me? Or are you in the Babies Are Sweet and Innocent camp? (Traitor.)

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