25 All-Time Favorite Mommy Confessions

Baby 216

The great irony of motherhood is that despite never actually being alone (hello, can I please freaking pee in peace?!), you can find yourself feeling more isolated and lonely than ever before. Whenever I'm feeling like I'm the only mother who's ever silently sung "shut the hell up" in my head or gloated that my brownies were the best on the bake sale table, I pop over to my Scary Mommy Confessions and instantly feel better. There are other mommies just like me who don't always say or think the right thing. They are crass and jealous and frustrated and insecure and ... human. Hallefreakinglujah.

Here are some of my favorite mommy confessions. (With one of my very own.) Can you relate?

1. I'm wearing maternity jeans but I haven't been pregnant in six years.

2. I hate reading bedtime stories. I only do it because I know I have to. Sometimes, I just let them fall asleep watching TV.

3. I kiss my young teenager goodbye in the morning as she leaves for school, rising above the hormone-fueled snarling and histrionics. Then I close the front door and flip her off, with both hands.

4. I forget to brush my 1- and 2-year-olds' teeth. I am not sure why it’s so hard for me to remember, but it’s a good thing that these teeth will fall out.

5. Hidden in the pantry in a box labeled “flour” is top of the line chocolate and a few joints. I rarely resort to it, but it’s a comfort knowing it’s there.

6. I miss the career I gave up more than I miss my son when I go to the grocery store. But I always get to go back to him.

7. Once a woman asked me if I breastfed my baby, so I asked her if she shaved her vagina. Sorry, you don't like personal questions? Me neither.

8. I confiscated my teenager's stash of pot, gave her a lecture, and have been smoking it ever since myself.

9. I joined a gym just for the free daycare. I drop the kids off and read magazines and blogs in the locker room.

10. At the end if the day, my needs are really simple: To be able to shit in peace.

11. I throw candy wrappers behind the couch and then blame the kids when my husband finds them.

12. My kids hardly bathe in the summer. The pool totally counts.

13. I knew my daughter had lice and I sent her to school anyway because I didn't want to cancel my hair appointment.

14. I buy store-made muffins and pass them off as my own for bake sales.

15. Everyone thinks I'm such a great mom for teaching my daughter how to read already. It wasn't me. It was the Leapfrog pen. I had no idea she could read.

16. I have a favorite child and I am hardest on him because I feel so guilty about it.

17. I clock out of motherhood at 8 p.m. I'm so done that I walk out even if they aren't all tucked in bed and go hide in the basement with my laptop and a beer.

18. Mother dropping her kid for a sleepover at my house: “No food dye, no dairy, just soy milk, only organic food, and we don’t eat ANY fast food.” I let them eat all the junk they wanted. They seemed fine.

19. When my daughter asked me what comes after a trillion, I told her "a gazillion." Um, we are homeschoolers. Not supposed to just make shit up.

20. Three kids and my husband has never changed a poopy diaper. He says he hates the smell -- like I like it?! I'm going to shove the next one in his pillow.

21. I often see kids and say, "My baby is WAAAY cuter." Not every baby is cute.

22. I've been socking away $5s and $10s for years and finally have two thousand dollars. No idea what I'll do with it, but having my own money again is empowering.

23. Questions of the day: 1) How did the pepperoni get stuck to the ceiling? 2) Why didn't gravity kick in & make it fall? 3) How did I not notice this? 4) When did we have pizza last?

24. I put my kids to bed in their clothes so I don't need to get them dressed the next day.

25. I confess that most days, I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. Everyone thinks I have it all together -- good wife, good mom, successful career -- but I really don't. I'm ready to stop pretending to be perfect now.

So, what's YOUR mommy confession?


Image via Scary Mommy

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tinyp... tinypossum

I can relate to a lot of these (not so much the pot and lice ones....). We've all got our not so proud moments and moms are human, too. For me, I hate to play Legos, I let my kids watch TV just to shut them up for a few minutes, I lock the door when I have to poo so I can have a minute of privacy, I yell way more than I wish I did :-( I love being with my kids one-on-one but I sometimes dread being with them together. They just get so wild....

I'm sure there will be a few sanctimonious, better-mother-than-you types who will blast this post for admitting that moms are people, too.  

nonmember avatar Katherine

WOW Thanks! Now I don't feel like such a POS mother! I relate to most of these. I also blame stuff on the dog.

Wheep... Wheepingchree

I liked my toddler way better when she was an infant.  She mostly annoys the crap out of me. I mean, I put up with it, 'cause I love her.  But I am lacking patience with the toddler antics....

Evaly... EvalynCarnate

I LOVED this.....I can relate to just about every note here :-p


ashjo85 ashjo85

I spend my daughter's naps wishing she was awake so I could cuddle and kiss her. Then when she gets up, I almost immediately fight a burning desire to put her back to bed! Lol.

jpfsmom jpfsmom

is it bad that I hope #8 happens when my kids are teens??

1blue... 1bluemonkey

Yeah, I don't make my 5 year old take a bath in the summer.  We dump a bucket of fresh water over her head to rinse the chlorine out and spray it with leave-in conditioner, but she's pretty clean after 4 hours in the pool so I feel like a bath would be redundant.

A friend of mine says, "You're going to miss your oldest next year" when she goes away to college, but right now, I just can't wait until she leaves because she is getting on my freakin' nerves.  

The one about making shit up as a homeschooler just about made me wet my pants laughing.  I'm a teacher, so I should probably be pissed about that one, but come on, that's FUNNY.

Amanda Wardrup

This is hilarious! Some of them are CRAZY and even I would NEVER do it, but it is funny. And I love my toddler, and I love reading and playing with him... so that part I don't get at all!!

Chelsie Braden

I understand some of these but a few are way out there.  I completely agree with the I hate reading bedtime stories.  My daughter loves them so I put on the story telling face and totally fake the funk.  My daughter can read because of leapfrog too.  She read something the other day and I was like holy crap.  

Jess Townsend

it's not so much that i FORGET to brush my 15 month old's teeth. it's more that she won't LET me brush them. i wipe them with a wash cloth and that's only the front ones. that's the best i can do at this point. Makes me feel terrible but this child is strong.

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