Natalie Portman Gives Son Most Boring Name Ever

Nicole Fabian-Weber
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natalie portmanThe moment you've been waiting ... a really long time for ... has finally arrived. Dun-dun-dun-dun! Natalie Portman has revealed her baby boy's name. It's John. Psych. This is Hollyweird we're talking, of course it's not John.

Her baby's name is Aleph. As in the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet. As in the letter that represents the “oneness of God.” As in the letter related to the element of Air. As in "of course Natalie Portman named her baby Aleph."

It's so Natalie, is it not? "Aleph" or "Alef" as it is sometimes spelled is unique with a hint of religiousness, and a kiss of Bohemia. Just like the actress herself. If there were ties to veganism and hotness in the name, one could go as far as to say it's synonymous with "Natalie Portman."

In other words, I get it. But still ... Aleph?

First thing's first. The name sounds like Alex. And the baby will probably be called Alex. And when the baby is old enough to drink coffee and pen his first screenplay, he will definitely have "Alex" written on his Starbucks cup. And other than that, the name is just kind of ... blah.

I don't know, it's not exciting to me. It's not even one of those over-the-top celebrity names that's fun to make fun of. It's just a tame "weird name" by Hollywood standards. It's a little too unusual for John Q. Public, but a wee bit normal for Tinsel Town. At least if you're going to present your child with an eccentric name, go balls to the wall. Alef sounds so ... milquetoast.

Think about some of the recent Hollywood babies. Aw, aren't they cute? Now think about their names. Who would you most want to hang out with at a party?

Monroe Cannon and Moroccan Scott Cannon, Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey's twins.

Kroy Jagger, Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak's son (in her defense, it's the baby's dad's name).

Bear Blu, Alicia Silverstone's son.

Aleph.

It's a no-brainer. Monroe is the wild girl dancing on the table. Moroccan is the dude spinning sick beats. Kroy is the guy dominating at beer pong. Bear is the wounded artsy bro who shows up to the party two hours late. And Aleph is the guy in the corner. All because of his name!

I'm just kidding. I'm sure Alef will turn out fine. After all, his parents are smart, rich, and good-looking. They just suck at naming babies.

What do you think of the name Aleph?

 

Image via Ethan Miller/Getty

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