Being a responsible parent means being prepared for all sorts of natural disasters, but what about the unnatural ones? Sure, you might know how to survive on melted ice-cream during a two-hour brown-out, but have you considered the importance of keeping your flame-throwers well-oiled in case of chupacabra attacks? Have you begun stockpiling water-proof tasers for the impending giant squid invasion? Have you decided how you will welcome our new alien overlords?
Of course you have. Because that’s what responsible parents do. But what you might not have done is consider who in your family is most likely to survive in the event of an unnatural disaster. Which is fine, because I’ve done that for you. Because that's my job.
Zombie apocalypse: Babies are most likely to survive the zombie apocalypse simply because of their similarity to zombies. They speak in grunts and moans, and shuffle around mindlessly. Plus, they try to bite everyone, which will only exacerbate the issue later when their baby teeth come in and you realize your baby actually has been turned into a zombie. Conclusion: Zombie babies will probably take over the world.
Nuclear wolves: Again, babies are the clear winners here, as wolves are known for adopting and raising human children. Also, radioactive wolves make great nightlights. On the downside, wolves almost never let you watch The Wiggles. Conclusion: Those babies will survive, but they’re going to be pissed.
Melting ice caps flood the world: Once again ... babies. From what random hippies have told me, some women give birth to their babies in swimming pools. This seems dangerous, unsanitary, and sort of inconsiderate to the other people trying to enjoy the pool, but apparently babies can naturally swim immediately after being born. Which is kind of confusing because I used to be a baby and I can’t swim at all. Conclusion: I have a terrible memory. Babies might have gills. Those hippies might be lying to me.
Hostile vampire takeover: Again, babies are fairly safe, although it depends on the type of vampire. The glittery ones love babies. The True Blood ones wouldn’t bother with them because babies aren’t sexy. The old-fashioned vampires would most likely skip over the babies, simply because we adults have way more blood in us. Unless it’s a vampire on a diet. Then all bets are off. Babies are probably like Lean Cuisines to anorexic vampires. Conclusion: I’m probably going to hell for this post. Also, Lean Cuisine should totally hire me to write their ad copy.
Sasquatch invasion: Don’t be ridiculous. Sasquatches are gentle giants and would never invade anything. They’re sasquatches. They don’t have an active military or a sense of land ownership. I’m not even sure why I’m having to explain this. Conclusion: Stop vilifying sasquatches, you assholes.
In summary, most of us assume that babies are the weakest and most vulnerable members of our families, but in an unnatural disaster, it’s anyone’s game. Babies are tough, easily adaptable, and may have gills. They might also be zombies. Regardless, it’s pretty obvious that babies will outlast us all. Except for me, because I’ll have a large working flame-thrower and pants made of tasers. And I’ll be wearing a vest made of babies.*
*Live babies, y’all. Because you guys are all probably dead from lack of flame-throwers so now I have to take care of your babies. I bet you feel bad for judging me now. It's fine. I forgive you.