Remember when you registered for your first child? Well, I do and it was the most overwhelming thing ever. The aisles were never ending and there was just so much stuff to keep track of. I remember wondering how a seven-pound creature could possibly require so much crap. Three children later, I realize there is so little you actually need: A way to feed the baby, diapers, wipes, and some onesies. Everything else just falls into place. So, will someone please explain to me why these products exist?
1. Zaky Infant Pillow (pictured above) "is designed to imitate the look and feel of a parent's hand and forearm. Babies are used to the warm comfort and protection of their mother's womb and the Zaky can help imitate that feeling as it provides similar support." OK, I get it, but I'd like to keep large, strange hands from fondling my infant. Maybe it's just me.
2. Baby High Heels. Why wait until toddlerhood to dress your child like a tramp?
3. Pee-Pee Teepee is meant to keep baby from sprinkling during his diaper-change. Makes a marginal amount of sense, but in order for it to work effectively, one needs to hold baby's legs in place. Which would be totally doable if we had three arms.
4. Speaking of three arms ... have you seen the Mother's Third Arm? Now you can feed your baby without actually participating at all! Maternal bonding is so overrated.
5. Baby Perfume. There is nothing sweeter than the smell of a newborn baby. I seriously could just sniff their little heads all day long. So, why on earth would you junk up that smell with perfume?
6. Wipes Warmers. Why stop there? How about toilet seat and toilet paper warmers? Puh-lease.
7. Diaper Pail. Get a trash can. Stick diapers in old grocery bags and tie them up. Toss in garbage can. Voila.
8. Sleep Positioners. These ridiculous things can only be used when the baby is a newborn and can't flip over. If he can't move anyway, why does he need to be positioned?
Did I leave any ridiculous baby items off the list?