7 Ways to Freak Out a New Dad

April Peveteaux

nick cannon freaks out new dadWhile most of us cannot relate at all to superstars Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon and their life story, new dads will feel some kinship with Cannon's latest admission:

This is the kind of stuff that is making me go crazy when you have two new babies. I cannot relax. I am OCD-ing. They don’t tell you this part about being a new parent.

Right on, Nick. We haven't relaxed in five years. But it's especially anxiety-inducing in those newborn days, when you're not sure if breathing on them wrong will give them a rare infection that cannot be cured by antibiotics. Also, there's crazy stuff going on with your wife right about now. After having a new baby (or babies, in your case), scary stuff happens about every other day. In case the following things have not yet occurred in the Carey/Cannon household, here's a list of 7 other things that will completely freak out a new dad.

You might want to sit down for this, Nick.

  1. Leakage -- Men get that food comes from your boobs. But watching two growing wet circles appear on your t-shirt is still freaky deaky. Double that if the girls start shooting off during sex (it happens, for real).
  2. The Blood -- Oh, the blood. Your lady is going to look like the elevator scene from The Shining for a few weeks. More if there was a c-section involved.
  3. Animal Babies -- Whether your babies make pig noises when they eat or not (which they probably will), it will become rapidly apparent that newborn babies are basically animals. It's humbling and freaky.
  4. Your Hot Wife Is a Mom -- Not being married to a woman, I can't imagine what it's like to see your super hot wife change into a matronly figure. But I'm just taking a guess that it probably freaks you out. Hopefully you're the kind of man that can still see the hot behind the mom.
  5. Baby Bodily Functions -- Since you've got a boy, you can expect Moroccan Scott to pee in your face. That's the good news. Just wait for the poop explosions from either baby. You'll be shocked at what a man can get used to when it's coming out of his children.
  6. Your Mortality -- It's true that bringing a new generation into the world makes you reflect on your own mortality. You've done your job as procreator -- now you may be excused at any time. Heavy.
  7. You're a Provider -- Sure making money has been fun when you can spend it on hookers and blow (not that I'm saying you did, Nick, I'm not the National Enquirer). But once you've got children that need support, the pressure is on to remain gainfully employed. Time to FREAK.

What were you most freaked about when you became a parent?


Image via Upsilon Andromedae/Flickr

Read More